my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...

dempsey, may 2008


some stuff

teaching kicks absolute and total ass! i LOVE it. it's only been a week of student teaching, but the kids like me and i like them and it's fun and challenging and my cooperating teacher is cool and she's happy with my performance so far.

there is an additional player on the field. unfortunately, he's looking for a girlfriend and i'm just sorta looking for an occasional good time. i don't want him to fall for me and i don't know how to make sure that doesn't happen besides disengaging.

one of the guys with a girlfriend spilled his guts to me on thursday. a week before, we had cleared the air about how we weren't into each other THAT way and isn't it fun to make new friends who like the same kind of music. a week later he's admitting that he never thought there was a girl like me out there and it's fucking with his head. that he's comfortable with his girl but has always known she's not the one.

what could i say? he knows i'm somewhat interested in him but haven't pursued anything both because of his girlfriend and because i don't want a relationship right now. so i just told him that whatever decisions he makes regarding his relationship have to have nothing to do with me. i'm not going to be the wedge between them. i'm not that girl.

the other guy with a girlfriend found a way to see me over the weekend. i ignored his texts all day friday, and lo and behold there he is at the pub having dinner with his sister while i'm working. the girls i work with found the whole thing hilarious. "oh look, there he is again. he sure does like this bar a lot of a sudden."

i got a random invite from an acquaintance to the sabres game wednesday night. fuck yeah! i shouldn't go because of school, but the rest of the games have been sold out for months. and it's the SABRES.

go buy/download silversun pickups. now. it's so friggin good that i wanna cry.

oh my

whew. it's been one hell of a couple of months.

love-of-my-life turned out to be insane. broke up with me via text message, then stalked me via text for two weeks. when i wouldn't reply, he spent all night calling and leaving long detailed voicemails about how much he loved and missed me and needed me back. i finally answered the phone, and he cryingly pleaded with me to meet with him the next day so he could try and make amends. i told him there was likely no hope for the situation, but that we should talk and put some closure on the mess. we agreed to meet at three the next day.

i didn't hear a peep from him that day. a few days later i find out he took my best friend home that night. who knew about the phone calls and crying and pleading.

so really the moral of the story is that they are both assholes. and that he is crazy.

alas, even when you know someone isn't right for you it can be hard to get past the whole mess. in the beginning i really thought he might have been THE ONE and he thought i was his ONE and then he got certifiable and i was left with the hurt feelings and fuck it all why am i going through this AGAIN.

the worst part of the heartbreak only lasted a few weeks. as of about a week ago i'm feeling 100% again. though i still have to work on getting these 15 lbs back that i lost during the depression.

this is no reflection on my awesomeness (though i am pretty awesome), but now there are multiple players on the field. it is because this is a small town and the dating pool is limited. when someone pops up newly single, everyone else in age-range finds out about it and starts investigating (or "sniffing around", as i like to call it).

two of the guys have girlfriends that they like to complain to me about. i, of course, keep these two at arm's length. i do not pursue them. but they can't be entirely avoided since i work at a bar on weekends and they know where to find me if they want to.

one of the guys is very good friends with my very good friend's fiance. i am very fond of him. but he's a nice guy and i know what i'm capable of doing to nice guys if i start in with them on a rebound. it would affect my relationship will all involved, and those relationships are important to me.

one of the guys is new to town (which makes him super appealing), incredibly hot, and comes from a military background--something i generally adore. he's taking his sweet time progressing anything, but always pops up every few days to remind me that it has been a few days and he hasn't heard from me. of course it's been a few days, silly! i'm on the rebound; i'm not going to be the one doing any pursuing.

the last guy is my ex. the one i moved up here with who then decided his professional life did not mesh with mine and that it would never work out. this all happened two months after we moved here. he's an ass. due to his stature in town, news of my singleness may have taken longer to reach his ears. now he's going out of way to initiate lame conversations with me and filling my email inbox with shit i do not feel like responding to. he's also bothering my coworkers with questions about me, and it has been reported that when he's around he won't take his eyes off me. him i don't know what to do about.

that's a lie. i know to stay the hell away from him. i don't recycle boyfriends to begin with, and i definitely do NOT reconsider past loves who ended it because they somehow thought they were better than me. jerk.

hi blog. it's been a while. missed you. now i'm off to finish lesson plans and work all weekend. maybe if i'm lucky there will be someone else to add to the increasing pile of players with bad timing. or, if i'm really lucky, some other chick will become single and the attention will be off of me. small towns are funny.



i've lived here for about four months now. and i have never been happier this quickly with a new locale. i've found a social circle, i landed a job in the first week at a place that i adore, i'm starting grad school in the fall in a program i'm excited about.

i met the love of my life.

to top it off, i spent thursday evening with my roommate and her parents. at a car show. thirty minutes away. that took place at a drive-in movie theatre. across from a farm. we drank beer out of cans and wandered around looking at classic cars. then we ate italian sausages as quickly as we could so that the rain wouldn't make the rolls soggy.

life is good. i'm a happy girl.

breathing again


so i'll be honest. after the first post breakup day, my heart didn't hurt anymore. i was tiring of our relationship as well, but did want to give it a chance. his behavior during the two oddly stilted conversations we had helped make it official in my gut. he is not the man for me.

two days after the breakup, i found a place to live. and after that first night in my own room with my own stuff, i forgot what it was even like to be his girlfriend. i'm not angry or bitter or sad. and i feel more like ME than i have in a very long time. i feel revitalized. it's cheesy, i know, but i feel so very fucking alive and that a whole new life has begun.

a week or so after the breakup, a new friend of mine started talking to me. the timing is no good, and i wasn't planning on trying to jump into anything big this soon. i enjoy being single just as much as i enjoy being in a solid relationship, and i was looking forward to being alone again.

this friend knew all these things, but apparently had been thinking about me since the first day we met. and i realized that i had been thinking about him as well. i suddenly remembered all the times i would work him into conversations at home. i liked telling funny stories about him, or relating witty things he had said. but i wasn't considering him as an option, because i wasn't looking for any.

but now here he is. and it's unbelievable. i think, as bullshit romantic as it sounds, that he is the reason i had to move to western new york. him and grad school. which makes me happy, because the practicality of school grounds the fate-tastic arrival of this new relationship.

the icing on the cake is that my cats get along with my new roommate's cat. almost as well as me and the roommate get along. it's really kind of gross how happy i am right now.

plus paul just told me that joss wheden is working on a new comic book that will follow the lives of the buffy character post series finale. i can't fucking wait.


we broke up.


two months in a strange town and suddenly i'm on my own.


just like that.

eeerrrrgggghh. FUCK.

grad school


of course the day after i get an acceptance letter from UB i also get a job offer from an old colleague in california.

i'm not good with having more than one option in front of me, but goddamn is it nice to feel wanted!

now to research financial aid...