i am such an idiot
letting feelings like this run my life
each new time it's only a matter of days
until i wake up
which itself only lasts a matter of days
before i find another target
this is fucking pathetic
acting like a little schoolgirl
--it seems to be the only thing keeping me going...

game on. fuck.
open my door, indeed.
this whole thing reminds me of charly and jamie--
that was the best time i've had in recent years.
until now.
i think i want to know what's inside your head,
but i'm sure it will only make me want to wiggle inside and snatch a piece of you.
and we're not there, yet, are we?
and there's a chance that i won't like what's in there.
one day, my friend...

one day, you'll be ready--
sitting somewhere with me, suddenly feeling all the things i feel now.
and it will feel so good to pull away as you're leaning in.
and then push again until there is mashing.
but that day certainly isn't here yet.

goddamn
the want gets more powerful with each new contender
i want to taste his tongue so badly
i won't, though
i'm too old for that
too mature
too wisened
one turn, and i'd be back on the same sort of track that brought me here
and here is misery
so i'll just let his mouth be

for now

i'm not having a good morning. i'm tired of this place. i can only beat my head against the wall for so long. this place is just like working for uncle sam, except there's no benefits. maybe every place is like that. goddamn. i need to figure out what i want to be when i grow up and get the hell out of here. this place is absolutely ridiculous.

the only reason i don't cry is because i'm laughing too hard.

i am blown away by the minds of others and jealous to be a part of them. i want to know them, and steal away a part of them to mash it with the part of me that no one ever sees. it will make no difference in the long run, but it will make me feel better all the same.

just when i finally start feeling a part of something again, i resign myself to the reigns. it's too scary, too dangerous, too much. tempts me with the freedom of fun that i haven't known in some time. makes me think i'm not old. i want to leave my whole life behind, feeling the heat of it burning on my back as i run without even one turn of my head. i've always been one for nostalgia. it's time to dump it all and burn the bridge that brought me here. fuck bridges. fuck reigns. i've had enough of this era, this cycle, this complete boredom. i'm sick to fucking death of standing still. it's time to blow up the bridge, wiggle out of the reigns, and get back to running.

when it finally rains it pours

i should've seen it coming.

it always happens when she's around. she brings out the best in me, and i guess it shows.

people respond to crap like that. and i respond to people. so there you have it.

guiding us through the crowd, grabbing my hand. i could barely stand it.

if she hadn't been there, i might've hoped for secrecy from the others and charged ahead.
how very dangerous.

apparently i play much safer than i used to. at least when she's here. which is funny, really, since it wouldn't have happened had she not been here.

very dangerous, indeed.

he did it again this morning--touched me.

it's like a fire in my belly, but i have to be responsible and adult and married and ignore these little ignitions.

especially because of the place i'm in,

and i have to take into consideration the place he's not.

it does feel nice to have little fires again, regardless.

i should thank him for that at least.