the memorial

is tomorrow afternoon. my ex wants me there, but didn't tell me about it until i called him this afternoon to see how he was doing. his sister, in the background, said that their dad would've wanted me there.

i hate to be sarcastic at a time like this, but their dad probably would've given me more notice.

but i will be there. talking to my ex brought all the sadness back, and i fear i'll be a wreck at the memorial service. oh well. jerry WOULD have wanted me there, so i will be there.

my ex-husband's

father passed away yesterday.

he was the only one in the family who ever really seemed to accept me. didn't give me grief for smoking. smiled at my lame jokes. missed me just as much as he missed his own son when we hadn't been around in a while.

he was a good man. refused to take care of his health, but it was his to do with as he wished, after all.

he took in my cat that i couldn't handle anymore. they fell in love with each other. i hope my old cat doesn't pine for him too badly.

this is very selfish, but the funeral is going to be awkward.

but i will be there. and i will miss him.

statement that is burning circles in my brain:

"huh...you never struck me as a feminist..."

an open letter to you...

...because i doubt i'll be brave enough to be a big girl and just spit it out.

remember when we first met, and you told me that the reason you posted a profile to a dating website was simply to see what kind of response you could get from your "resume"? i wonder, is the actual live dating part an experiment, too? are you actually at all interested in meeting people, or only interested in proving some sort of hypothesis?

did you get the email i sent you right before i left for des moines? in it, i requested that you continue our email correspondence, even though it would be onesided since i'd be without computer access for the week. i told you how it'd be nice to get back and have some solid emails to respond to. i ask if you got that email, because i was a little sad when i got back and saw the tumbleweeds blowing through my inbox.

i write all this to get it off my chest. i'm not asking for anything from you. well, nothing beyond a little more responsivity. i'm not a fan of writing things in emails to have them never responded to. probably because most of my more meaty questions are written instead of spoken--it's easier that way. and every non-response is like a mini-rejection. it feels like they've been piling up. that, compounded by your schedule and mine being completely opposite, is making me feel a bit abandoned.

you also mentioned that a couple girls you'd met from your online experiment turned into two-week flings. i don't know what your intentions are (regarding me or anything else for that matter), but i should let you know that i do not wish to be flung. no sir, no flinging for me. casual, yes. slow-moving, fine. but a fling that was meant to be a fling from the get-go, no thank you.

and especially not with you. i'm not looking for some deep, meaningful, be all end all. but i've determined that i like you enough, am interested in you enough, that the slow disappearance of you over the last week or two is stinging a bit more than i would've expected.

lastly, i have a problem watching a precedent fall. i'm guilty of doing it myself from time to time, but i still hate when it happens to me. the lengthy, witty, rapid-fire emails have faded. the "i can't wait to see you" hasn't been spoken in some time. i got used to those things pretty rapidly (yes, perhaps too rapidly). and i don't like it that they seem to be packing up and leaving town all together. i fear that all of this is an indication of your waning interest in me. to be frank, if that's the truth, i'd rather not hear it at this point. just continue with your grand fade-out.

like i said, i'm not looking to throw a ball and chain around your ankle. i just want it made clear that i like you. that i'd like to spend more time with you. that i wish our schedules meshed better. that i'm looking forward to the next time we can sit across from each other at a table, nursing beers and smoking cigarettes, trying to slay each other with our lame stories.

a tribute to a few bloggers who get me through my day

i know a lot of people visit your site everyday, but i still feel the need to let you know that the fact that you are not currently posting is felt. felt by me and probably felt by a ton of others. yes, you're travelling (i still don't know if that word requires one L or two, but it's one of the words that i refuse to spellcheck. it's more fun wondering), i think, but it still sucks.

and don't you think you're getting off any easier. you're still posting, but the fact that you're getting ready to relocate to one on my favorite places in the world is nonetheless driving me mad.

(and there is ALWAYS a special place in my blogger heart for monkey (who's gonna kill me for linking his secret blog), and vague. i can't even piece together how we came upon each other, but i'm more glad every day that we did.)

thank god

that caroline is in san diego this weekend. i wouldn't have been able to stand hanging around here over the long weekend, waiting for the phone to ring. though i do have some paperwork crap i should be catching up on, but fuck it.

christ, why can't he pick up a fucking phone?

i hate the disappearing part.

memo to the world:

do not say that you will call someone and then not call them.

it's just plain rude.

especially don't say you will call someone at a specified time, not call, and then not even call later to explain how busy/tired/dead you were at the specified time. and don't be a complete dumbass and promise the call in writing. it provides proof beyond doubt to the callee that they didn't in fact misunderstand.

yes, things happen. life happens. calls don't get made. which is why considerate people don't promise phone calls. because they understand that to do so would drive the callee to sit around waiting by a phone that may or may not ring. it's actually kind of cruel.

so cut it out.

why do these things become so important to me?

he hasn't called. he hasn't made any kind of contact since i saw him last.

it's making me crazy.

this is exactly why i thought getting married was a good idea

because dating can be such nonsense. thrilling and confusing and a rollercoaster ride, for sure. but i think i decided to get married in an attempt to just ban the nonsense. silencing the single life seemed more important than even whether i was ready. ready for marriage. ready for marriage to him.

but i dig fez. i really really do. but he's showing signs of being exactly what i don't need. he's a tad selfish. and very busy. it's not reasonable, but it's one of my things--i don't want to constantly be squeezed into someone's busy schedule. i don't want to be a convenience; someone whose house one visits on his way home from the main event for the evening.

i saw him last night. it was fun and funny and passionate and great. but i just can't tell yet if he honestly likes me. or is just interested in the convenience factor. the problem with asking is that the very question itself might make him disappear. and, yes, if he chooses to run based on that one question, then it wasn't right. but i'm not necessarily looking for the RIGHT thing. i'm looking for a distraction. and he's serving my purposes just fine.

and now i'm heading out of town for the weekend again. if i continue to be so unavailable on the weekends, i fear i'll lose even the convenience of him. his emails have dramatically dwindled, and he didn't drop me a line even once while i was out of town all last week. that doesn't bode well. perhaps he thought i would be too busy to be bothered, but it'd be nice if someone didn't let things like that stop them from reminding me that they are interested. a little continued pursuit would be nice. and, frankly, in my mind, not too much to ask.

i swear it's his eyes. those big dark eyes. well, and the soft hair. and the nice hands. and the witty brain.

dammit.

fun

the friday five from may 2, 2003:

1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
all the upbeat stuff from justin timberlake's new album

2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
'why should i cry for you'--sting
'stay (far away, so close)'--u2

3. Name three songs that turn you on.
just about anything by alkaline trio or afghan whigs if i'm feeling sexually feisty
older bettie serveert or the anniversary if i'm feeling sweet
i know i didn't answer this one the way i'm supposed to, but fuck it. it's my blog.

4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
'i gotta get through this'--daniel beddingfield (that is completely misspelled, isn't it?)
the second hidden track on 'for all the massive' by the agents
'cute without the "e" (cut from the team)'--taking back sunday
'the authority song'--jimmy eat world
'knowledge'--operation ivy

5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
pick any five from the ones listed above

now answer 'em yourself in the comments section, fool.

i can't hold out much longer

i'm going to have to tell you soon. i'm going to have to tell you that i think about you an awful lot. that i pine for your emails. that i only answer my cell phone when it's your name that pops up in the window. i have neither time nor patience for anyone else right now.

i want to learn more about you. i want to get you drunk and ask you ridiculous questions. i want to hear you giggle and then answer honestly. until the conversation turns more serious and we begin to show each other our soft underbellies. but we will laugh again soon enough. it's what we do.

i want to sit out on my porch with you, chain smoking, staring at your face. watching your big brown eyes watch me. i both am grateful for and detest your busy-ness. i want to suck you in, swallow you whole. i want you to want to spend every spare moment with me, even though i'm not ready for those kinds of levels yet. i just want you to want it.

and maybe you want all these things, too. i'll never know unless i ask. and i won't ask. i'll wait, patiently, until you ask. and even if you never ask, i'll probably still be here waiting.

jumping guns

okay, okay. maybe i was a little rash in my fear of fez disappearing. he called me yesterday, which was my first full day back in town, and seemed excited: "welcome back! how was the trip?! when can i see you?" i've decided that this means that he actually likes me. but by tomorrow, i'm sure, i'll have decided he's playing me. it will be back and forth like this for quite some time. it's just the monique way.

BUT he's booked all this week, and i'm out of town again on the weekend. BUT he said he'd have to see what he could do to fix that problem, like maybe not work all his shifts this week. i would say that a man who is willing to lose an entire shift-worth's of money, plus tips, to make room for me in his schedule must be honestly interested. but then i would say that any man would ditch a shift if he thought sex would be involved. BUT i'm crazy and obviously overthinking this.

anyway, des moines was fucking rad. the city is beautiful, the people are nice, the architecture is more interesting than it is in southern california, and i made two new friends who coincidentally live in california so i can potentially see them again. seeing adm was great, even if i'm still all confused over what the hell i'm doing messing around with him in the first place. but i'm not in a situation where i owe any one male person any kind of loyalty, so fuck it. i had a blast in milwaukee with adm. but i was thinking about fez an awful lot. i missed him. wanted to touch him. wanted to tell him that i missed him and wanted to touch him.

BUT, if i tell him that, he might hightail it right out of here. honesty is so fucking risky. games are fun, but they drive me mad.

dammit

so fez hasn't corresponded with me at all. we last saw each other on sunday. it is now friday. no email; no calls. i left him a phone message early monday--he wanted me to call him and let him know that i landed safely and whatnot. got a chance to check my email on wednesday--nothing. i left a brief message again yesterday. still haven't heard.

sunday to friday with absolutely no communication is simply too long for me. i had a suspicion that he might have been disconnecting. i chalked it up to paranoia. fuck. i'm still trying to partially convince myself that maybe, because i'm out of town and he doesn't know my schedule/busy-ness, he's just trying not to bother me. that as soon as i'm back in town, things will be fine.

and so it goes...

a week away

third get together with fez went well. really well. i'm beginning to feel a little crazed inside about the whole thing. he's pretty great. it doesn't help that...

i'm leaving for des moines, iowa, tonight for an entire week. weekdays filled with work-related stuff; the weekend filled with visiting adm. who i think i probably shouldn't be visiting, seeing as he seems (no, has stated so) to want to start a big serious relationship with me. and i'm simply not interested. i'm afraid i may be going to see him more out of guilt than any real desire to try and save the friendship we've established over the last year. the friendship does mean a lot to me, but my interest in even that waned immensely with his honest outpouring of emotion. i have a feeling that i may end up sucking up the hundred bucks or so to change my flight and coming back earlier.

i'll be out of posting range for the entire time...but will possibly be writing old-style while i'm gone, to be transcribed and pre-dated when i return.

(and i finally spoke with rth. he called three times friday night and i finally gave in and answered the phone with, "what?" it turns out he's back visiting our home stomping grounds, where we met, and his friends, who met me also, have been accosting him with questions about me. i think, perhaps, his friends were surprised at the past turn of events, which prompted him to try and make contact again. he actually did seem concerned about what he might possibly be missing out on. dumbass.)

p.s. i haven't been in single-land for years and years, and a question has occurred to me. i know that guys will do/say a lot of things to ensure a score, but what about the nice, seemingly honest and sweet things that some say? i worry when i hear these things that it's just the hormones talking. you know, things that go beyond telling a girl how hot she is, how hot she's making him, or how good the making out is going. do players honestly employ the sweeter side of language to get a girl in bed? and if so, will they do it more than once with the same girl? keep saying the nice things? i'm in this stage where i'm convinced that anytime someone of the opposite sex says something nice to me, they must obviously want something and i disregard the things they've said. but it's GOOD stuff, and i SHOULD be taking at least some of it to heart some of the time. i can't be jaded and defensive forever, can i?

red flags

are everywhere. i'm beginning, either through intuition or paranoia, to suspect that fez is going to play me. that i'm going to end up falling just enough to give a shit, and then he will *poof* disappear. and i'm leaving sunday for an entire week. the timing of me being gone is not sitting well with me. i'm beginning to care enough that jealousy is not completely out of the question. and i think i'm going to miss him.

i am so freaking dumb, i swear. but god i don't want to get played. not now. not by him.

=)

fez called me at work. well, i called him from work and left a short message on his cell phone. i just wanted to say hello. he used the wonderful caller i.d. feature on his cell phone and called me back. at work. he knew it was work; i said so in the message. and didn't ask for a return call.

i think that's a good sign. i don't think anyone would bother with calling someone at work unless they liked them to a certain degree. calling someone at work is risky--he didn't know if i'd be available, or what kind of policy my office has regarding personal calls.

i know, i know...it was just a stupid phone call. but he called me at WORK. i've decreed that that means something, and it makes me happy, so leave me be with my irrational giddiness.

wtf?

rth called me last night. rth from february...rth who i really kinda liked and who said a lot of wonderful things to me and then just sort of...disappeared. didn't want to talk about it, just never called or emailed again.

i recognized the area code and didn't answer. god i love caller i.d. he left a message. he actually left a message. he sounded maybe drunk.

glad i dodged that bullet. but do i call him back? probably not. probably wouldn't be good. what can he possibly have to say to me? shit, what if he's in town for some reason? that would be awful. i can't see him. i can't talk to him. i want to stay on my happy track with fez. so i will.

but what if rth calls back? do i answer, or see what kind of message he'll leave the second time?