my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...

t-minus 14 days


i dropped my notice after the staff meeting on saturday. then i headed off to new york to watch 'alias' through the storm. i went back to work today, and word is on the street.

it'd be a good place to test rumors, actually. the official announcement was saturday. i got three phone calls before i even got out of the shower today.

don't get me wrong; i'm absolutely flattered. but a handful of customers with wet eyes is a handful too many. there are still two weeks, and i won't be able to be sad every day of them.

in other news, my weird dadcrush brought me a rose today, and i got a valentine's day call from iraq. IRAQ. not only am i glad that he's okay, and took time out of his stressed out deployment to call me, but i really like writing words that have a Q not followed by a U.

then he asked me if i'd still be around when he gets back in october. if he could get back to RI and walk into the bar and i'd still be there. i'm ashamed to say that i lied. but i lied because i didn't want to waste his international call; i didn't want it to be longer than he had expected. i wanted him to save some time/money/effort to call his daughters. i can tell him the rest of my life over email. i certainly don't need to waste his reallife time.

p.s. i'm scared. i'm not really ready to move again. i'm not really ready to say a bunch of goodbyes again. to explain over again how it is that i move around so much. "and there it is," johnny said. "she's gonna leave just as quickly as she arrived." it's the truth, but i'm not comfortable with it.

i'm not comfortable with staying, either.

they didn't send me my scores.

the night before the test, i worked until 2am. right around 3, when i was really really asleep, a house down the block started burning. so there were some sirens.

test registration started at 730. i fell asleep for five minutes right in the middle of the first one.

funny thing was that i was ON. i truly felt ON and even though i could barely keep my eyes open for the whole six hours and even though i was very hungry for the last two...

they didn't send my scores.

instead, they sent a fancy embossed folder with a certificate of recognition stating that i scored within the top 15%.

of anyone who has ever taken the test.

i can assure you that i have never scored within the top 15% of anything standardized. i am not being modest; i am owning my lifelong lack-of-preparedness.

today, in the mail, i also received a notice from the connecticut board of education stating that i've fulfilled enough blahblah to test out of another one of their teaching hurdles.
the irony is that i decided last week to call off all schooling involved with connecticut in an effort to be closer to JR in upstate new york.

and new york's board of education doesn't recognize the same standardized test. so remind me to stay up failing at sleep the night before i take the test for NY. after that, explain to me again why it's called the empire state because i keep forgetting.



so my roommate, who is very much more proactive and prepared than me, is already starting to pack. she's not moving out until mid-march. i'm moving out at the end of the month.

i haven't started a thing.

feeling required to help, i move some stuff around so it looks like i'm helping. but i came home around 10 from a wine and pasta dinner and wasn't really interested in anything but bed.

but that's all i'm really ever interested in, when it comes right down to it.

i decide to focus on the butler's closet that we've turned into a bar. there are three drawers under all the liquor. i vaguely remember putting some crap in the top drawer when we first moved in.

i find a collector's edition buffy poster, which i'm expecting to find. but right under it are two license plates, each in their original DMV envelopes. it's little things like this that i like to have around. stupid shit that reminds me of where i've lived and where i've been.

and i'm standing in the living room holding these two envelopes and i'm grinning thinking about virginia and hawaii. and i'm grinning thinking about how i thought these license plates were amongst the other things in the car when it was stolen. how i had never even looked for them and how i had bemoaned their absence.

but here they are! ready for this new move, when i can add RI (the motherfuckin ocean state ya'll).

then i remember. the only thing recovered from my car were the cali plates. they were folded in half and dumped deep in a state park. they found their way back to me, and sat propped on my dresser for a year.

until a few months ago, when i went on a tear. i had a window of having a moment, and tossed a bunch of useless shit. donated three garbage bags of clothes. saw the CA plates, remembered that i lost their brethren, got sad, and threw them away.

i didn't remember that i threw them away until i had found the VA and HI plates. so now i'm sad all over again.

but the bitch is that i can't figure out if i'm really sad about the license plates at all, or if i'm doing a big fat bunch of projecting.