my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...

blue bottle


i'm three sapphire and sodas into the evening, and i've done watched all i care to watch of reality television tonight.

that said, i'm still hoping that when i turn the bedroom tv on, wonder showzen will be rerunning.

i'm going to be a teacher. english. what do you think about that?

if i'm not careful, i'll have 30 kids at a time refusing to capitalize words. rad.

i spent 90 at the cd store today. he says to me, "what is WRONG with you? you just did that two months ago!" i say to him, "i don't blast you for spending 400 on goalie pads. it's my hobby. plus, i don't have to pay any league fees."

it's always the people with physically active hobbies who cry foul all over lazier pursuits.

that's why the guy who comes into my bar who owns 1500 cds is a hero. because if you're in my bar at 4pm on a tuesday, you're not interested in physical pursuits.

but god bless your liver, my friend. and the ten dollars you left me when you went home. and the drink you bought me when you came back after having dinner.

the new...
dave matthews
alkaline trio (if only for the first track only--godDAMN)
ben folds
mike doughty
ryan adams
(and i picked up the new eels, but i haven't listened to it yet. CONCEPT ALBUM, folks. even if it sucks, i've got to respect the art.)

let's play "funny not funny"!


wonder showzen is, hands down, the best show on television right now.


rock show


i went to a show last night. alone. it's the first time i've ever done that, and i have to say, once you get past the awkwardness of not having anyone to horse around with while waiting for the concert to start, it's pretty fucking fun.

alkaline trio was in town, and i've never seen them live. and they've been one of my top favorite bands dating back to my hawaii days. people bailed, and other people couldn't go, and it was a tuesday, so i just went. walked downtown and went.

to be honest, it would've been the same experience had i gone with someone else anyway. no one i know knows this band, and i would've been bouncing around and screaming along to songs they didn't know regardless.

i joked around with the girls standing in front of me, and got picked up by some young men from connecticut who were standing behind me.

JR says, "so did you get any digits?"

and i say, "uh, no. of course not."

he says, "what the hell? you're totally worth giving digits to!"

i don't know whether attending a concert alone counts as a growth experience, but i'm kinda proud of myself.

in other news, i've been investigating grad school and all i can say is that it is WICKED FUCKING EXPENSIVE. i don't know what i'm going to do about that... i guess first i should figure out what it is i want to study, then worry about what program to find money for. $$$$$$$$$$$$ i hate money.

the weekend


the roommates are currently in new york partaking in a 41-mile bike ride through the city. the city part sounds cool, but the rest of it sounds lame.

i'm very lazy, you know.

i just got home from portland. JR took me to a wedding. i don't know if i can begin to explain how weird the whole experience was. it was fun, but godDAMN was i out of my element.

JR went to a military college. this wedding was going to be possibly the last chance that all his classmates were going to be all together before they REALLY grow up and splinter off.

now, this military college thing, it creates a pretty tight bond. moreso than even normal college buddies, i believe. these people went through 4 years of bootcamp together, spending their last years as drill sergeants to the underclassmen and whatnot.

we haven't been dating all that long. 2 months, maybe. while i'm honored that he would want to bring me to meet the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE, i don't understand why none of them seemed to think that the whole thing might be a tad overwhelming to me.

they are all nice people. funny, smart, warm, attentive. but i haven't been in that sort of situation in a while. it reminded me of the first time i met my ex-husband's family. i met all of them at once. some big get together and i'm doing the smiley happy performance for a roomful of strangers.

i'm much more comfortable with a few at a time. i had a hard time explaining that to him because he's the sort to never be uncomfortable in front of a crowd. ever. probably part of the crazy schooling he had.

i also kept catching myself kissing all their asses. like, doing stuff like i would at work to get a bigger tip. or the stuff i used to do in school to get my professors to favor me. molding myself into whatever version of cool i thought they would respond to the most.

i guess it worked. i think most everyone liked me. but it's exhausting, spending an entire weekend kissing up to strangers. it's not their fault. no one asked me to kiss their asses. i just self-inflicted an awful lot of pressure on myself and am now left feeling stressed out and kinda empty.

it didn't help that these are all very driven, goal-oriented people. all of 'em. doctors, army rangers, owners of independently run apple stores... that's all great for them, but not so good for making me feel any better about my lack of a lifeplan.

jesus. enough of the bitching. i had a pretty good weekend, regardless. portland is cool. the people were fun. the sex was awesome. and now i've got to go pay some bills and hope that no one minds the postmark of may 2 instead of may 1.