the past

men from both the recent and not so recent past keep rearing their heads these last few weeks. a few resulting vents:

if you met a girl once, 7 months ago, and she gave you her number, and you haven't seen her since, calling her 3 times a night for two weeks is NOT going to stoke her interest.

if you broke a girl's heart, repeatedly, and over a three year period, then had a hissy fit and told her to look you up again once she grew up, she probably won't answer your new weekly phone call attempts. stop calling.

if you feel the need for goodbye-closure after months of not communicating at all, keep it to yourself. all you're doing is stirring shit up and making me feel weird. i'm not angry, i just think it was unnecessary and a tad bit cruel.

that said, i'm off to prepare for a weekend in portland, maine, with JR. i haven't told him yet, but i love that man.

p.s. to whoever keeps blocking their number and then calling me: knock it off. i'm not going to answer a blocked number. i wouldn't answer if i saw YOUR number, either, so you're not upping your chances at all. and at 8 in the morning? are you kidding me? and you must know that it's totally suspect to keep calling from a blocked number and NOT LEAVING A VOICEMAIL. i'm not stupid.

bye. love you.

where does the time go?

i'm consistently amazed by how much time goes by without my noticing. especially since i can't even claim to be one of those BUSY PEOPLE. i sleep about ten hours a night, watch three hours of reruns on weekday mornings, and barely manage to get myself into the shower at noon to make it to work by two. i guess i just feel a little bad since i'm so fucking lazy and my time disappears, so i can only imagine how flyby life must feel to those BUSY PEOPLE.

i'm definitely in love. it's scaring the crap out of me.

it's not because i'm scared of love or scared of getting hurt or scared of getting too attached only to watch it fail...i'm okay with those fears.

i'm scared that i'm not done enough to give myself to someone else. like frozen pizza that someone took out of the oven too early. sure, it'll still fill your belly, but that raw shit in the middle is no fun.

i'm worried that maybe the timing is all wrong again, just much less apparent in the beginning compared to my other recent dalliances. he's a bit younger, too. he may not be ready to give himself up, either.

we both SEEM ready, but what if we're really not? what if we just end up impeding each other's growth with our increasing desire for each other's time?

i'm being stupid, i know. cart before the horse. and he's wonderful. he says things like, "hey, you might be a little lost, but at least you've got the nuts to notice when you're not happy and throw caution to the wind and do something about it. at least you're looking. at least you haven't given up. and when you figure out what your next major step is going to be, i know it's going to be great. and i'm here to help if you need it."

but enough about that. i think i'll be taking some classes this summer, but more on that later. it's too embarrassing to report that i've decided to go back to school in hopes of narrowing down the broad interests i've been nurturing lately. that is, whether to be a psychologist, a teacher, an astronaut, an oceanographer, or a firefighter.

the hats are cool. and sliding down the pole would kick ass.

i had sex talk with JR about a week ago. it was starting to bug me that the ratio of his number of orgasms to mine was getting exponentially larger. this is kind of normal, in my experience, but i've grown tired of the trend and decided to bring it up.

so, yeah, i think maybe we need to spend a little more time on me next time we get together...

yeah, i was thinking about that all week. in our haste to fit in as much fucking as possible into our 12-hour visits lately, it seems foreplay has taken a digger. and i miss it.

um, are you fucking kidding me?

what, that i've been thinking about it? of course, baby. we need to fix it. it's not fair, and i imagine you're getting pretty frustrated.

um, are you fucking kidding me?

no. and don't worry. we've got the whole weekend together and i'm gonna solve this dilemma as soon as i see you.
_______

it's kinda unreal. it's like listening to dr. phil script out how healthy communication is supposed to play out. it's a little unsettling, to be honest.

not to mention that when i drove down to see him last sunday, he greeted me with sushi. SUSHI! does it get any better than that? i had secretly gone to a local cuban restaurant on saturday to pick up his favorite milkshake (coconut), freezing it for delivery on sunday because they are not open on sundays. and he smiles when i hand it to him, and presents me with sushi and flowers in return.

we were at a wedding all day yesterday. he let me play the "we're at a wedding so i'm gonna pretend-plan our wedding as i get drunk but it's all scratched from the record as soon as i get out of this dress" game. he even played along! and didn't get creeped out! and i don't even WANT to get married anytime soon but i couldn't help it because i was in heels and wearing pink and at a wedding and getting drunk.

do most people still get married in churches? my experience says no, but people i know in the northeast seem to disagree.

SUSHI!

sorority

so my roommates had this thing recently where they weren't talking. for, like, a month.

and it sucked. i already knew that i was the "middle child" in our living situation, but never was it more apparent than during their drama-filled bullshit.

they planned an eight-day vacation together. the two of them and their two boyfriends. they uninvited me, and even though i knew it was just to be proper i told them how i felt about it,

"are you fuckin' kiddin' me? not only would i be a fifth wheel, but i can't believe you guys think it would be fun to vacation with someone you work AND live with. you guys are DUMB."

cut to two months later and one of the two has since parted with her boyfriend. this thus made firming up travel plans difficult to say the least.

there is more. but it is boring. it took me four solid weeks to get them talking again, not than anyone would shoot me a thank you about the whole thing.

now, they're both still crazy but still talking.

me, in the meantime, i'm thinking about ME again and i can't take the shit.

one of them prides herself a feminist, but can't be single for a mere hour without calling me to tell me about the man from her past that she thinks she better work things out with because settling for a suitable mate may be better than waiting for a soulmate when you're feeling completely unanchored.

umm...what about not waiting for anyone and just figuring your own shit out?

so now she's all fuckin' crazy and can't sit still and wants me to entertain her ALL the time while all i'm thinking is how to extricate myself from this situation in the most financially sound way...

i know that's awful.

but i'd like to ask her when it was, the last time she took the trash out.

i'm tired of her thinking my life is hers just because we live together. and i'm tired of her rolled eyes when i think it sounds a blast to just chill out in the apartment for a weekend.

i don't need your judgments. i just need your 1/3-of-the-rent check.

there's too much estrogen up in these parts.

fuck.

i clean up alright

being in a bonafide relationship is kinda freaking me out. i'm so out of practice.

he invited me to a wedding. a WEDDING! that's like what real couples do. and i finally tracked down a dress. it's an awesome dress, borrowed from roomie J, but it's designed for people with less of a circumference to their ribcage. i won't be able to take any deep breaths during the service. but i'll look fuckin' GOOD.

what the hell am i gonna do with myself? well, i'll tell you what i've got so far. i'm gonna waste some more time on the net looking up grad programs at URI and PC and fuckitmaybe brown. then i'll have even more options to deny in my head, and tomorrow i'll feel the same way i feel today.

i have a um...a sex injury on my upper arm and some of the guys at the bar noticed it and were giving me a hard time. this old retired guy with wit sharp as a razor, on his way to the bathroom, says, "leave her alone. if she wants to have sex with an orangutan, that's her business." i thought it was pretty funny.

this guy also said to me once, regarding another bartender, "if she had as many sticking out of her as she's had stuck into her, she'd look like a friggin' porcupine."

i love that guy.

did i mention i have to wear a dress? ugh.