my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...

comments on the car so far:

"um...someone left a roller skate out in the parking lot."

"hey, we need to free up some more parking. you wanna put your car in the back of my truck?"

"so what's that car gonna be when it grows up?"

"i didn't realize a focus and a mini had a bastard child."

40 miles per gallon, fuckers! suck it!

man that car is fun. zip zip zippy.

the whole cab-forward design gets to me a bit, though. takes some getting used to after driving small cars that you kind of SINK into. the gear ratio is all different than my old civic, too.

i may have named it xander. i've never had a boy car before. this one just seems to be a guy, though. lots of gadgets, generally easygoing...

anyway. i'm starting to make some serious bank at the bar lately. it's partially because we attract more people the colder it gets outside. it's also because i'm learning every day a better way to play the game, and no offense, guys are DUMB.

did i mention i'm working on thanksgiving? bar is opening at SIX A.M. yep. i should have plenty of stories about the kind of crowd who rolls in at that hour. i wonder if anyone would care if i serve drinks in my jammies. that's awful early...



it's wicked fucking cute, isn't it:

and i will be driving it to philly tomorrow morning for the last of my birthday festivities.

married guy came back. all it took was two days of absolute silence and one text message. he responded in nanoseconds and then we officially called "game on" wednesday night.

it can't last. obviously. it's fucking ridiculous. but when it ends, it ends because I SAID SO. not because he did. i know, it's so gamey of me. but i won't be on the other end of that particular car crash.

mr. boston contacted me three times on my birthday. and when we finally spoke, he used sweet voice. i swear to god i heard sweet voice. there are a few possibilities. 1) he's honestly trying to get us back to being buddies. 2) he's reconsidering. 3) he sees an opening to eat his cake and still have it. at this point i've not got the energy to analyze it, but it's nice being back in contact with him.

yesterday at the bar, i challenged a customer to come up with a better way of talking about my chest. so instead of "tits", he came up with, "hey, uh, your upper body is very nicely proportioned." i wasn't quite sure what he was getting at, so i flexed for him.

today, everyone i've come in contact with has asked what school i go to. that's a fabulous compliment, since i'm nearly 30-and-one-week.

it might not be my looks, though. it could be the shelltoes and the blogger sweatshirt. i guess someday i'm going to have to grow up and go get some momjeans. fuck.

i'm feeling increasingly disconnected from everything lately. like things are just sort of happening around me and not TO me and there's no action or reaction but it's not quite inertia either and nothing makes me especially happy nor especially sad. i think i need a jolt. i think i need SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. which is weird, because a lot is happening. i guess something to jar my insides. challenge me. make me question my worldview, reconsider my opinions and my place and my self.

then again, i guess i could do all that for myself. i'm just so internally TIRED these days. i think i'm going to hibernate next weekend and recoup. turn off the phone. stay in jammies all day. maybe masturbatewrite a lot.

i can't believe i finally have reliable wheels again. i didn't realize what a big part of my life my car and my driving was until it was missing. i feel like i've been set free. the financial burden doesn't even bother me. who can worry about money once you've been granted wings?

next time i post, i'm gonna write about how angry i am that my sister told my mother that she's tired of being the "parent" in our relationship. unless i forget about the whole thing by then, which is a sure possibility.

i can't wait until tomorrow, when my car will not only have more than 24 miles on it, but will also smell like new car AND nicotine. then it will really feel like mine.

jesus, i could really just keep doing this.

married guy's a wildcat in the sack. i'll never be able to end this until the bitter dirty end. i'm a sucker for sex. it's a problem, really.

anyway, happy weekend. i'm gonna put an end to this before...well, just before. whatever. bye.



the new hot water music is pretty good. i didn't like it on first listen but now i'm falling in love with it. and if someone could burn/find me a copy of jimmy eat world's newest one, but remove the stupid drugs song, i'd be forever grateful. it's a decent listen-to-the-whole-thing sort of cd except when that whiny bitchass song starts.

i'm 30 today.

i celebrated this last weekend and it was weird. friday night the energy was off, and saturday night the group dynamic created some problems. not to mention that married guy decided to call the whole thing off VIA TEXT because i couldn't drop everything, including an out of town friend, for his last minute demands. but i got to bowl, and i got to dance, and i got to drink a lot of bombay, so i've got little to complain about in the great scheme of things.

except that i've got a killer cold and every cough makes me want to put a bullet in my back to put it out of its misery.

back doctor said today that my back is pretty damn bad. it's just soft tissue damage, thank goodness (no nerve or disc or bone, etc, problems), but it was nice to have my pain validated. i thought maybe i was just being a big baby, but he poked around and was all like, "good goddamn is that a fucked up tight back and neck" except in doctorspeak.

next friday i head down to virginey to pick up a car that my parents have purchased for me. i broke down, kicked my pride in its balls, and took out a loan from the bank of mom and dad. the terms are good. and i need a car.

then i will be taking said car to philly, where D has purchased tickets to see jem at a dinner theatre. i'm fuckin' excited. i've never really been to philly except as a kid to see the bell. and i'm super fuckin stoked to be DRIVING there in a car that i don't have to worry about. with a proper sound system and a manual tranny.

crazy florida guy (i've referred to him as "ignore" before) has reemerged from the ethos. i'm allowing conversations to take place on a case by case consideration. like he happened to call me the day after my accident, and i was lonely and in pain so i answered and he actually showed up for the conversation and was supportive and blah blah. but sometimes he'll call and i can tell from the timing or the way i'm feeling or whatever that it's not going to go anywhere, so i don't answer. he's crazy, though. he's being transferred to norfolk and suggested i look for work there. CRAZY. he's actually waiting around for me to come to my senses and then we can live happily ever after.

as i'm sure anyone can tell him, if you wanna wait around for ME to come to MY senses, you'll be waiting an awful long time. this is the package. gotta take it as is.

soon i'll be getting a new tattoo. i'm not sure where, yet, but it will read: life expands or contracts in proportion to one's courage.

happy birthday to me! now i'm off to work to convince people to give me lots of money for my birthday. or to at least lay off staring at my tits for five seconds. in a row.

almost 30


did i mention i'm a week away from 30? that, on top of everything else, is putting me in a rather large funk. i've got a job that i like, i've got a house and roommates that i like, i live in a city that i like. outside of that, there's a lot of shit falling on my head lately.

stupid police report hasn't been filed yet, so the whole accident thing is at a standstill. i just paid another hundred and change for another week with the rented turdmobile. my parents have offered me an interest-free loan and i think i'm going to have to finally cave and accept some help from them. this sucks.

i have a lawyer. A LAWYER. who sent me to his back doctor. i've never had a lawyer before. sitting in his office felt like being in a movie.

my back fucking hurts. it's all spasm-y. it's also mad at me that i worked a double on saturday because two of the other bartenders were sick. i made some good money, but it was a long long day.

also, i'm cramping so bad from my period that the pain woke me up in the middle of the night and i thought maybe someone had shot me.

and i finally realized what the underlying problem is: i'm lonely. i don't know why i keep being drawn towards emotionally and/or legally and/or geographically unavailable men. these are men i can't lean on or cuddle with or even fuck on a daily basis. is it that i'm not ready for a daily thing, or that i think i don't deserve it, or what? why the married guy? why men scattered about the country?

the cats won't even sleep with me these days because i'm constantly up and moving around with the back thing.

eh. i'll be alright. it's just a case of the birthday/period/car accident blues. it will pass.

i'm also an idiot because i wanted the weekend before my birthday to be some sort of big blowout with people coming in from out of state and lots of partying and blacking out and maybe some table dancing with lampshades on heads. alas, my procrastination took hold and i've made zero plans. D's coming in, though. roommates are on standby for impromptu plans. it'll all work out.

know any eligible bachelors in the southern new england area? help a girl out, wouldja?