so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...
not much time before i have to go open the bar. and i still have to make my lunch. rushy rushy.
i realized a few days ago that providence feels like HOME. like real home. homey HOME. whenever i'm heading back to the apartment from the north (boston) or the south (work), i get a rush of warm happiness as soon as i turn a curve on 95 and see the modest (but beautiful) providence skyline.
last weekend i spent some time with mr. boston, walking and putzing around my new neighborhood (moving on the 1st). and i'm in love with that, too.
i'm starting to fall in love with my new car, but something MUST be done about the radio. for being kinda tone deaf, i'm also kinda an audiophile. the tinniness has GOT TO GO.
a lot of allcaps today. sorry about that.
i love bartending. i was made for this sort of work. standing around a bar socializing all day? striving to be engaging and intelligent and being rewarded for your efforts in CASH? sweet.
and god bless new england sarcasm. i've missed it so.
got a stacked weekend ahead of me, and i can't wait. most of it involves mr. boston, who is really starting to kick an awful lot of ass. this weekend is going to be back to back to back funstuff, capped off by dave attell in newport on sunday night.
wednesday night, i made an offhand comment that i had heard that death cab for cutie was coming to lupo's. a band i've grown an affinity for at one of my most favorite venues. i added that it will probably sell out rather rapidly, and the conversation moved on. mr. boston called me the next day to let me know that, through some sort of secret CONTACT, he'd secured four tickets to said event a day before they even went on sale.
it's nice knowing people who know PEOPLE. it's even nicer when they do nice stuff for you.
i owe people emails. some of you owe me an email. i'd say we could just call it even, but that's not really a form of communication, is it...
off to work... happy weekend to all!
really RIP honeycar
i got a call from providence police on friday night. they found honeycar. i went to the station and got the information regarding where she'd been towed to. i called the tow company.
"two of the doors are gone."
um, there're only the two
"the steering column has been completely torn apart."
of course, but is it driveable?
"the towtruck driver thinks it's not driveable, plus someone cracked the windshield."
oh. yeah. that wasn't them.
i went out to dinner on friday, then went to visit honeycar on saturday afternoon.
ouch. i had just gotten over her loss, and then i had to see her in THAT condition. it's just not right--a car with no doors. except jeeps and bajas, that is. i'll post a picture or two when i can. right now i don't want to talk about it anymore.
luckily, i took my new car out right after seeing honeycar, and bottomed out causing a major transmission fluid leak, rendering this car undriveable as well. am i a lucky girl or what?
i paid a man $90 to take a car to the junkyard and have it crushed. a car i thought i'd drive for another few years. crap.
eh. happy monday.
got wheels last night. woo hoo! two weeks without that freedom was long enough. the car has lots of character, too. for example, the horn has been rewired into a doorbell buzzer mounted on the bottom side of the steering column. my knee keeps honking while i'm driving. i don't think the sunroof works. the dash lights behind the radio are kaput. the vent fan is o.o.c. but it has TURBO! vroooooom! as soon as i get done with this post, i'm gonna take her out for a spin. yee haw.
i sliced my hoo-ha while shaving earlier today. i immediately thought of xtracyx and her story about the same thing a few months back. i can feel a sting everytime i move. i'm a little afraid to venture outside right now, too, because it's hot and humid and i know what even a drop of sweat is going to do to that injury.
did i tell you my new mr. boston story? he came over a few days ago bearing the new modest mouse album, because i had had a bad day that day and he remembered that it was one of the cds in my car when it got stolen. the boyfriends of my friends are beginning to tire of his romantic antics. they tell him so, too. "stop raising the bar, jackass. you're making us look bad." he just shrugs and smiles. he's so cool.
someone i had forced myself to forget about has made a reappearance. timing has never been a friend of mine. but i like riding its waves, yes i do. so bring it on, Timing. you can't shock me anymore. and i've got nothing else for you to steal.
did you know that neither waterfire nor seekonk speedway are going off tonight? poo. maybe a movie then. followed by some cocktails on a patio.
anyway. i feel like i need to stop vomiting daily events on this thing and start actually writing. we'll see.
have a great weekend. i miss you.
some good days
i've had a streak of good days lately. i am grateful, of course, since the passing of my car. man, i'm pathetic over that thing.
anyway, i graduated bartending school. only about half of the people in the class did. bartending, it seems, is harder than it looks. right as my instructor was handing me my new official rhode island bartending card, the phone rang. "good timing," she said into the phone. "she's right here and she just passed her tests."
so i get on the phone and then i schedule an interview to take place that very evening and then i go to it and then i have a job. i had three hours of training today. met some of the regulars. it's true that there are people who go to a bar right when it opens at 2pm on a monday. and they run tabs that they pay at the end of the week.
it's all very fascinating. and while i won't make a whole hell of a lot of money, it already seems to me to be a much better way to spend a day than stuffed behind a computer and a desk for eight hours.
one guy gave me a rather large tip at the end of my shift, as i was enjoying my free end-of-shift drink. it came up about my stolen car. he placed a phone call to his best friend who is a providence police officer. his friend is now making sure that the car wasn't abandoned somewhere and towed to a lot, collecting storage fees.
i'm sure nothing will come of it, and i'm not getting my hopes up, but it's nice to have someone batting for me.
the replacement car should be ready by tomorrow evening. i can't wait to have that freedom again. goddamn, i canNOT wait. yee haw.
this car has turbo, even. but it's not a standard. boo. but you can't knock free, no you can't.
with that, i'm off to inform my car insurance company about my vehicle situation. and i may need the whole evening to prepare for the visit to the DMV tomorrow. duh duh DUH. fuckin' DMV.
how are things in your world today?
today is a good day
because i got flowers. now, i'm not usually a big flower-girl, but once i saw them i realized that besides my highschool boyfriend, no one has ever sent me flowers.
well, my mom has before, i think. and i loved them, too...different thing, though.
i've gotten flowers before. but it's been at least a decade since someone SENT me flowers as a romantic gesture.
the note said, "just for being you."
the effort involved in getting said flowers delivered is what tickles me most. figuring out my mailing address. finding my roommate's phone number so she can be the second contact for the delivery person in case i'm not around. calling my roommate ahead of time to see if she'd be around. all this with me not finding out.
"just for being you."
things like that definitely deserve a big hug and a hearty blowjob in return.
i guess it's time to face facts. i've got no job, i've got very little money, and my car got stolen. it could be worse. i could've got fired, not have a roof over my head, and been shot. also, most of my problems are self-created and need self-solutions. the car, though, that one still stings.
i look around for her when i'm out of the house. the exact same way you might hope to find someone in a crowd after they've broken your heart. just to lay eyes on them again. just to check in. i don't even know what i'd do if i saw her. probably wave and hope she's happy.
anyway, time to make a list. many things to do. time to buck up and get some shit done. turns out that leaving the old life behind is difficult, but not as hard as it may seem. it's setting up the new life that's a bitch.
but fun. interesting and fun. i've got a rhode island film festival movie to see early tomorrow evening, then a bartending flair competition to attend later. yeah, like the movie cocktail. it should be rad. (no, i'm not competing. they don't teach that in the first week of bartending school.) a comedian at the mohegan sun casino and dinner at michael jordan's steakhouse on friday. white trash hootenanny on either saturday or sunday. and hopefully some time with mr. boston during or in between.
things with him are going very well, thank you.
but back to the list. new driver's license. transferral of health insurance. contacting my renter's insurance to find out what i can claim out of the stuff that was inside the car. register to vote. changing car insurance from the car i don't have anymore to the one my roommate just gave me the title for.
yes, becky's awesome. had an extra car lying about; gave me the title.
oh yeah, and find a job. that, too.
i'm hitting it off with my bartending instructor. which is good because she's cool, and good because she is HOOKED up in the local bar/restaurant industry. she's already asked me to help out at a catered event this weekend to the tune of 25 an hour. transportation is a problem, but i may be able to work that out.
the bad news is that i feel oddly numb inside. i've really gone into shutdown mode and it's beginning to worry me. i have no reactions to anything told or shown to me. it's this quiet dead feeling, right over the fence towards depression. it's hard to be happy these last few days.
might be pms. might be mental exhaustion. eh, it should pass.
BUT. did i mention that i just found out that the perseids are going off tonight in the wee hours of the morning? good goddamn do i love meteor showers. course, i can't drive out of the city lights to see them, but just knowing they're out there makes me sorta happy. and it's okay if i can't make it out of light pollution this time, because the leonids are hitting in november. YES. that trip will require blankets and hot chocolate. i can't freaking wait.
also, i should mention that i saw a guy a few tables over from me at a coffee shop beating off while he pretended to read the newspaper. it creeped the fuck out of me. it was worse when i put my glasses on, because then i could clearly see he was looking straight at me. GROSS.
times like that it's good to have a 6'6" gentleman with you. who, thankfully, had no urge to kick the guy's ass but every urge to turn around after we left and see if he was still at it.
yay! (i'm just trying it out.)
poor honeycar. this is sorta what she looks like. minus the roofrack, and replace the fancy black rims with shitty stock what's-hiding-under-the-hubcaps wheels.
i really am a ridiculous person. i'm DEPRESSED about this. i'm GRIEVING. i feel violated and angry, too, but the sadness is surprisingly in first place.
it is just a fucking car. really.
but i'm still really sad.
some encouraging words:
from dad: "well, it's gonna be damn hard to get a car loan being unemployed."
from the ex: "huh. that sucks. but did i tell you i just bought a little car?"
they mean well. a lot of people get extremely empathetically upset when they find out how just a few days before honeycar went missing i removed theft coverage from my auto insurance policy. while this upsets me as well, the pure irony of it is not lost on me. it makes for great story telling.
my mom got upset me with yesterday because i wasn't acting more upset. so i let the shield down for a very brief moment and told her how it's all really making me feel. there were a lot of F-bombs. then i clammed back up and spoke in a laidback monotone for the rest of the conversation. i honestly feel like me allowing myself to get all fucking crazy in the head about this is not going to help the situation any. nor, in my opinion, will making a thousand phone calls and harassing the police and the insurance company repeatedly.
it's not my style. i'm not fuckin' pleased that this happened, but i'm not going to ruin weeks of my life over it. i'm fucking amped and pissed and borderline crying minute to minute, but i don't see the point in sharing all that with everyone.
i've entered a brief radio silence, so if your phone calls/emails haven't been returned, i'm sorry. please understand that i appreciate the kind words and happy thoughts, but i just can't handle discussing it anymore right now.
in other news, i had my first bartending class today.
now i'm off to call every towtruck company in providence in a last ditch effort.
(goddamn, it's just a fucking CAR. what's WRONG with me? i feel like someone kidnapped my best friend.)
my current high-rotation cds were in the passenger seat. once i get the wherewithall to remember what they were, is anyone willing to burn me copies of what they can?
two i can remember right now: new modest mouse and new muse. pretty please.
i could tell you that shit happens. and i could say that you can't control the universe. also, i could throw in that i don't want to let THIS affect my general conciousness; the general atmosphere of my reality.
i've said all that. i've said it again and again and again during the last 36 hours. (and i've finally learned the name for one of my biggest problems: pity. i detest feeling pity from anyone. and it's fucked up, because while i spend every minute trying to hold it together and not ask for emotional support from someone, they waste another minute wanting to hold me but knowing i won't let them.)
here's the thing, and laugh if you want, but we've all got our THINGS. i knew that this was a THING for me, but it's true: you don't know what you've got until it's gone. this is the part where you might laugh:
my fucking car got stolen.
there are several levels of handling such an event. violation. anger. "goddamn why did this happen to me?"
you know what i feel? extreme SENTIMENTALITY. whoever took honeycar from me might as well have punched me in the back of the head, watched my neck hit pavement, and shoot me pointblank in the back of the skull. NO. they should have done all that to someone i love and make me watch.
(silly, right? it's just a goddamned car.)
but to someone who loves nothing more (NOTHING) than sliding in and firing up the ignition and choosing a cd and pushing her past first into second until the freeway is flying under us at ninety and then holding the broken lighter into the dash until it's hot enough and christening the trip with the first cigarette... walking out of your house with a bag packed for an overnight roadtrip is not the time to find an empty parking space waiting for you.
to you, honeycar:
you were with me from the very beginning of me launching into my first major lifechange nine years ago. you've seen me through countless boyfriends and innumerable apartments all over the country. you drove through the mountains of vermont in a blizzard. you took me across the county two or threefold and you were willing to board a container ship bound for hawaii just because i couldn't stand going without you.
you came with me this last time; this last trip. this amazing adventure that i thought would never end. if i believed in such things, i would wonder whether a divine hand came in and removed you from my life because it is finally time to settle down... to stop running.
but you. honeycar, you appreciate irony don't you? did you know that only days before your hijack i had lowered my coverage in order to save a couple bucks until i had steady work again? did you decide to play a little game to test how far my love went?
i can tell you this, you little game-player you, i appreciate the irony of not being covered for theft (by three days, mind you) as much as you do. and i miss you all the same.
everyone says i'm taking it so well. that they can't believe i haven't blown a gasket yet, be it in anger or frustration or overwhelming emotionality. well, it's happening now. as usual, i'm by myself and it's late at night and i don't want to burden anyone else with my sadness.
because the one steady safe haven i had was taken from me. yes, she's only a car. she's just a material possession like so many other things that i recently tossed from my life. but i sat in her, and she enveloped me, and she provided me a private space to breathe. to just fucking BE.
tonight, someone asked me, "so are you looking into getting another car?"
in practical terms, i have not the means to even entertain that question. but i told him, from the most honest place i have, with a bewildered look on my face, "are you kidding me? there hasn't been enough time. i can't replace her that easily."
and maybe it's sad. but i meant it. i really truly meant it.
so honeycar, really. do what you can, okay sweetie? try and come back to me. i don't mind if your wheels are gone, and all my sweet radio stuff has been ripped from you. i don't care what you look like, as long as you will still be a part of my life.
and i shake my fist to the sky to the MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLES who would do such a thing. but you won't win. i still love this town, and i won't live the life of someone constantly worried that something like this will happen again. fuck you.
p.s. i do hope that maybe you took her from me hoping she'd make a fineass import racecar. that you saw the cali plate and thought, "good goddamn, a straight body and no rust since she's from the west." because i'm sure you've already peeked at her undercarriage or popped the hood and realized that her formitive years were spent right here. here in the northeast. that's not just surface rust, you GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE.
p.p.s. i'm about to fucking lose it. really. i can't believe how this feels and i'm not set to deal with it.
p.p.p.s. but i will. watch me. because right now is not the time for the dam to break. no sir.
also, i had a great weekend. minus this little distraction, i had a PERFECT weekend. so perfect that i wonder why my eyes are clouding right now.
and i miss you.
the rocks on the beach at black rock make an amazing sound as the waves pull back before pounding again. thousands and thousands of very smooth rocks of all different sizes, rolled around by the surf. it's this whooshing, all-encompassing rattling sound, and it's absolutely amazing.
i still have mud on my legs from biking and fumbling through some mud yesterday. yes, yesterday. we were supposed to come back last night, but becky ran into an old friend and we chose to stay one more night and check out block island's nightlife. after one too many cocktails, a fitful night on a couch, and an hour of seasickness brought on by the stormy weather, i haven't found the energy yet to get out of my clothes and into the shower. i'm a dirty dirty girl.
two days on block island was just what i needed. at the end of last night, my roommate gave me this big smile. "what?" i asked. "i'm just wondering if this is always gonna be this much fun." then we both giggled and high fived or something. then i probably tripped on my own foot and fell over. i do that a lot.
last night we decided that, starting this 15th-of-the-month, we will begin celebrating monthly 'white trash dinner night'. it will feature an all-carb diet and absolutely NO greens or anything resembling a vegetable. fish sticks. tater tots. generic mac and cheese. milwaukee's best beast. we're still trying to figure out what movie to watch. suggestions would be appreciated.
mr. boston and i have a zoo date on saturday. doesn't that sound like fun? i love zoos. and i like dates. i can't remember the last time someone asked me a few days in advance to reserve some time for them and their PLAN. plans are good. i can't always be the idea person. besides, after movies and a walk downtown have been exhausted, i'm pretty much tapped out.
god i stink. i'm going to think about getting in the shower again while i fall asleep on the couch.
oh yeah, and guess what's down again? yes, squawkbox comments. FUCKERS. grrrrrr.
after accompanying becky to URI south kingston to register for classes where we realized that she could've registered at the providence satellite campus and saved us forty minutes, we went to matunuk yesterday and had some daiquiris on the beach. that's where the ocean mist is, one of my very favorite beach bars of all time.
then it occurred to us that we wanted steak, so we got some. then we called a bunch of people who said yes so we bought some more. i grilled it, but i don't think it marinated long enough and it was a bit overdone. but no one spat anything out in horror.
i was awoken by becky this morning via cellphone from the boat where she is currently working undercover. she's posing as a young lady out for a day of fishing. i hope they catch the guy they're looking for. anyway, she woke me up to tell me to get my shit together, call mr. boston, and prepare to head out to block island tonight or early tomorrow morning.
i've never been to block island. yee haw.
i hate WYSIWYG. i also hate the remake of that fleetwood mac song, but i think there might be two different ones that i hate. one older one by the dixie chicks (landslide, i think), and a new new one by winston salem (go your own way, i think) or whatever the name of that old three-girl singing group was. oh yeah: wilson phillips.
yesterday, during breakfast, four of us decided that we should already start making lunch plans. so we hopped in a car, stopped at a drugstore for bubbles, a frisbee, and some $9.99 roadtrip aloha shirts (mine has french fries and turquoise malibus on it), and headed to portland, maine, for some lobster. four hours later, i was two beers and one and a half lobsters into pure happiness. it's nice to be back in new england.
i came back to find a note taped to our front door. someone had very much wanted to kiss me goodnight and drove forty miles to do it. unfortunately, i was in new hampshire and wasn't there to be kissed. but that someone is gonna get it but good next time i see him. shit, based on spontaneity points alone...
it's funny, isn't it, when you have feelings for more than one person. potentially confusing. but two lobsters--there ain't nothing confusing about that. plastic bib, nutcracker, and five minutes of butter marination. good lord. anyone wanna go to portland today?