my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...



good lord.  i think i dropped my liver somewhere in cambridge last night.

one of my old CG sea daddies is in boston this week, helping with security for the DNC.  it was my first trip back to boston since i left the area five years ago.  i do love that town.

but it was freakin' eerie.  because of the DNC, they've got the place on lockdown.  the freeway that runs through the city was completely shut off.  the streets were bare; i assume most people heeded the media's warnings about how crazy it was going to be so NO one came out.  the only reason we could travel by vehicle in the city was because of johnny's CG credentials. 

so we're bouncing from bar to bar and decide to settle down at a place called hong kong.  they are known about town for their giant scorpion bowls.  i kept calling the place "kong kong" because i like the way it sounds.  (try it.  out loud.  it's fun.)  though the two giant bowls of liquor might have had something to do with it.

my bedroom buddy from monday night met us up there.  poor thing.  we were pretty fucking gone by then, giggling about nothing and dropping shit on the floor.  but it was off to the irish pub for us.

where johnny wouldn't stop asking two questions: 1) what IS the official height of a dwarf, and 2) who's the guy with the cowboy hat?

see, the city was inundated with important looking suits.  there was this one gent in particular, seated at the bar sporting a ten-gallon doozy, and johnny was going crazy trying to figure out if he was SOMEone.  

after another round of cocktails, we made a deal.  he would ask around to the right and find out if anyone knew about the dwarf thing, i would break to the left and ask a crowd of suits and photographers who mr. ten-gallon was.

turns out cowboy was not a senator or a congressman or anything like that.  but the man i asked turned out to be a handler (or something) for a senator from nevada.  who was seated right behind him.  mr. handler thought it would be a good idea to introduce us.  i managed to shake his hand and call him "sir", but everything else out of my mouth was pretty idiotic.  i think what i left him with was, "the people of southern california thank you for las vegas."

mr. nevada senator didn't know the dwarf thing, either.

johnny got his answer, though.  someone told him 4' 11".  i'm not sure that's accurate, but it thankfully got john to stop asking the questions for a while.

i had a good time with john.  he's a good friend and all around good guy who gave me loads of valuable advice (way before the scorpion bowls).

i had an even better time with bedroom guy later that night.  there's nothing like a solid mattress tussle (with someone you know and trust and care for, to boot!) to straighten your head out.  even if it does make some people late for work the next day.

not me.  i don't have one of those stupid things called "jobs". 

but i did meet a senator.  oh, and saw the young reagan. 

have you seen my liver?




i finally saw spidey2 today.  leagues better than the first one, yes.  i saw a yummilicious preview for blade3 (right?  it's the third one?), the cast of which includes one ryan reynolds.  right before i left cali, i'd cruise home for lunch and catch syndicated "two guys and a girl" on oxylifetime.  i developed a fine crush on said fellow.  i'm extremely excited that he's in a movie featuring VAMPIRE stuff.  because i like VAMPIRE stuff.  i haven't seen the other blade flicks, but i'll be dragging someone out on opening night for this one, yes sir.  yum yum.

because of a monday night that included no sleep, i wasted much of today.  so i didn't unpack, per se.  but i did spend money i don't have on a new phone from verizon wireless.  it was kind of a necessity.  we don't have a landline in our apartment, and neither of us are all that interested in getting one.  really, these days all they are is a $35 dollar bill a month for telemarketers to call during dinner.

anyway.  my old sprint phone gets nada inside my apartment.  unless i sit in a very precise position on the couch with my head in a very careful position.  and that's just recockulous.  so new phone.  new 401 phone number.  that's a big part of settling down, right?  accepting your new area code?  my new number ends with "6660".  i LOVE it.  though not as much as VAMPIRE stuff.  nor as much as ryan reynolds.


(for those who call me all the time and are now concerned that they won't be able to reach me [read: no one], don't fret.  i'm keeping the old phone until the transition period is complete.  now i'll have TWO phones that will never ring when i want them to.  though i already got a wrong-number text message.  which i was nice enough to reply to.  the guy immediately called back and left a message.  interesting.  haven't heard it yet.  will let you know if it's anything good.  i should return the call from my other phone.)

i also had a networking meeting with two bartenders today.  i think i'm gonna do alright in this town.

dinner with mom was good.  she didn't lay me out at all.  we had an awesome dinner and cocktails and i lost at keno.  it's funny how parents really do love and support their kids.  we should give them more credit.  i mean, they must care, right?  they wasted all that time and energy and money raising us. 

then, last night, i proceeded to ignore all of paul 's advice and instead of going home and going to bed, i got laid.

don't get me wrong; it was great.  better than great.  the kind of great that reminds you how overrated sleep can be. 

but.  it felt kind of like cheating.  weird.  unexpected.  cheating on me?  cheating on someone?  yeah, both of those, i guess.  i was so sure that i wasn't going to cause anyone any complications that my clothes suddenly being off my body was just as much a shock to me as it probably was to the taker-offer. 

we left it in the morning with me instructing him not to make any decisions regarding his near future based on the events of the evening.  i'm not sure he's going to follow instructions on this one. 

that's me lately.  always a catalyst, never the solution.

but i realized as the sun was coming up this morning that maybe I'M the one shirking any solutive responsibilities.

plus, i feel like an asshole.  because though i was certainly in the moment with this old friend who i care for and who was being incredibly patient and considerate and RAD with my body, there was an awful lot going on in my mind during the main event: among other things, i found myself thinking about somebody else. 

but chances are good that he was thinking of someone else as well.  and probably feeling just as guilty as i was.  which is really fucking weird since i'm the one with no relationshippy ties. 

also, poor guy had to work today.  he's most likely regretting his latenight insistences that he'd be alright on no sleep right about NOW.  if he's not currently racked out, that is.

"i'm not breaking down. i'm breaking out." --muse


yee fucking haw the crack up has arrived.  it's still revving up, but what fun what fun what fun.

my roommate is completely crazy.  maybe.  she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday, after kind of pooping on his feelings all day long, then called him right after we went to bed to ask him to come over and cuddle after his shift was over.  i heard his voice here this morning.  women!  men!

it's funny how my version of selfish won't let me outright stomp or potentially stomp or use another's feelings, but she's perfectly comfortable ripping things/feelings/people apart as long as she's announced that she's going to behave selfishly beforehand.  hmmmm.  maybe i'm going about this all wrong.

but it's true.  i'd rather be lonely than put myself in a situation where i know i will hurt someone else unnecessarily.  or lead someone on. 

then again, i'm rather self-destructive.  maybe i just prefer misery and it has nothing to do with anyone else.

yup yup.  cracking up a bit.  maybe.  off to target now.  need a broom.  and soap.  desperately need soap.  everytime i go to leave the apartment, i have to visit mapquest first.  weird.  dinner with my mom tonight.  weird.  wonder if she'll lay me out for not having my shit together yet.  oh well.  i'm not out of money yet.  still settling.  still living out of a suitcase.  the same one for the last month almost.  need to cut that out. 

i'm terrified of sprouting roots, but maybe it's possible to settle down without getting wrapped up in dirt.  must investigate further.

p.s. thank you to those who emailed me the lyrics to "first straw" with the quickness.  if you need anything from me, let me know.  it's yours.

confidential to ajax: call me, sucka.  i emailed you my number.  though i doubt your granny has broadband.  but what do i know?

the rub


i had an amazing night last night.  full of random wandering, and on-the-spot conversations, and mardi gras beads and latin dancing in the rain and a christmas in july drag show.  plus we ran into the mayor four separate times.  and partial waterfire and i might start boxing and did i mention the kickass seared ahi followed by chocolate truffle cake?  AND sharing 'harold and maude' with someone who gets it.

here's the rub.
no one to share it with.

no one with which to snuggle up on the couch and stroke skin under damp cotton while nodding off, smiling about caribbean food in the drizzle.  coming to at three a.m. just long enough to pull one another up the stairs and into bed.  no one to even goodnight call.

from the bathroom, i could hear my roommate cooing, then arguing, with her boyfriend.  i remember why i choose to be alone.  because i've not yet met the man i care to argue with.  i welcome the challenge, but only with a worthy opponent.

for now, i'm relegated to being the girl, at least three times in recent memory, with the bad timing who no one will change their life for.  which is okay, because i'm not willing to change my life, either.

at least one thing in the last few paragraphs is a blatant lie.

i used a pen to scrawl a boston concert date into my forearm.  so that tomorrow, when i wake up with blue inked sweated across my forehead and stomach, i'll remember to purchase tickets online for august 7.again the fucking rub--who to go with?

i was forced to interrupt becky's conversation/confrontation long enough for her to talk me down from placing a drunk dial.  because leaving a voicemail will only make my current state of affairs worse.

would i give a shit if i weren't surrounded by couples?  i don't know.

i'm still happy, but it's tinged with an intangible sort of loneliness.  alone?  totally fine.  lonely?  woefully unprepared.

maybe me and me will venture to thayer street later and catch 'before sunset' at the avon.

maybe i'll find out more about what i think is some weird performance art at something called the as220.

maybe, if it stays cloudy, i'll hide under pajamas and a throw and watch 'tigerland' and cry because i didn't write the script.

2 things: 1) please email me the 311 song "first straw" immediately.  the reasons would be long and boring and you've made it this far and i won't do that to you.  but it would mean a lot to me.  2) come over.  exit 22c.  i'll jiffypop AND drag a blanket out.  scout's honor.  please?

my roommate woke up in a strange mood, refused to go to work, is ignoring the fact that her boyfriend took the day off so that they could go see fireworks tonight, and tore away to new york this morning.  she's called me twice and rambled weirdness at me.  it's odd.  she going through some sort of thing.  she told me last night that i might not be the most healthy influence on her.  that she's beginning to doubt all her decisions and plans and goals just because of my mere presence.  she means it in a good, if strange, way, but still.

p.s. i miss you.

friday night


goddamn was last night a weird night.

the day started with my roommate freaking out because it was her first day off in a long time and she felt she owed it to herself to fill it with lots and lots of adventure, yet she had no solid plans.

then there were some birthday cocktails by the pool.  the birthday crowd had dinner reservations which included me but it turned out i wasn't in the mood to be a fifth wheel so i bowed out.

instead, i walked around downtown for a few hours with a stranger who was very easy to talk to.  we swapped some secrets and made future plans to swap some more.

afterwards, i headed north to kick it at one of my old suburban boston haunts.  to meet up with, among other people, an old squeeze and his new girl.  i got wicked WICKED fucking lost and didn't arrive until close to midnight.

witty table banter ensued, and a few arm wrestling matches later, i was standing in the parking lot giving a guy my number while the old squeeze hugged me goodbye.  with a kiss to the top of the head.

i have a thing for such kisses, but that's neither here nor there.

on the way home, i got drunkdialed by vegas guy, who i haven't talked to in months.  i was thinking about you.  i miss you.  i miss your brain.  how is your world?  i'm sorry i let it fade.  you scare me in a way i've not experienced before.  i had to stop corresponding with you.  you're fantastic.  you're wonderful.  i'm sorry.  i HAD to.  it's too much.  i was terrified.

yada yada.  another example of someone with bravado and surface ego to spare, but not a lick of courage.  i feigned driving difficulties and turned off my phone.

so now it might be bartending school.  to help pay my way to a teaching certificate.

i missed waterfire earlier this week.  i'm hoping to do it proper, walking around with a hand in mine, before the summer's out.  even if it's just empty hand-holding.  a brief moment of shared solace would be enough.

from lexington to NoVa to myrtle beach


i took the scenic route through WV, instead of the WV turnpike.  it felt like i should hear banjos, but instead i saw trendy trucker hats and long beach motorcycle t-shirts.  turns out the walmartification of america has reached the backwoods.  anyway, WV is BEAUTIFUL. 

ah, south of the border.  i stopped there on the way back to pick up some atrocious pink plastic flamingos with which to torment my father.  he actually cursed at me.  called me a little shit.  it was AWESOME.

the first surfboard i saw outside of california.

the view from the balcony of my myrtle beach hotel room.

guido.  he was done drinking, and his girlfriend was itchy to get going, but once he found out a certain someone would be personally offended by this particular brand of beer, he bought a fresh one just for this picture.  he's awesome.

i don't know.  on the way to myrtle beach.  at a stop sign.  i just liked it.

in SC, bars aren't allowed to stock full-size bottles of liquor.  they have to sell liquor by the shot-bottle.  why?  because they tax per bottle and not by size.  this way, they get a LOT of money.  on the plus side, you always know you're getting the exact right amount of liquor.  and the little bottles are kind of pretty.

me and jeff, guido's girlfriend's friend.  i found out later that guido and his girlfriend thought i was hitting on jeff.  i felt bad for saying so, but my response was "um...he's married.  with a baby.  and a tad racist.  and, well, he's missing a lot of teeth."

this guy goes by turtle.  i don't know what his story is, but goddamn was he four or five sheets to the wind.  i ran out of film before i could capture his next move: pouring bleu cheese dressing down his chin and the front of his shirt, and running around claiming it was a result of some bathroom shenanigans.

you may be asking yourself what's going on here.  let me tell you.  this young man wanted to make a black and tan.  but he's no traditionalist.  that sure is guiness on the right there.  but it's bud light on the left.  with a lemon in it.  "my own black and tan concoction," he said.  "that's more like black and piss," i said.  "and you're sick, buddy."  though i tried it, and it was surprisingly not disgusting. 


things i love/hate/have realized or learned in my first two days in providence:

1)  i like my life.

2) my roommate is badass.  and apparently we've fallen quickly back into our old groove.  two friends last night, upon hearing me and becky resolve a misunderstanding that involved some deli turkey that we bought but no one actually wanted, said, "whoa.  looks like the becky and monique show is back on."

3) i hate mosquitos.

4) i HATE humidity.

5) my old friends do not approve of "rad."  they are trying to teach me "wicked fuckin pissa."

6) new england boys kiss as well as i remember.

7) i'm not a big believer in SIGNS, but not only did damian's moving guy in NYC turn out to be a high school teacher who gave me loads of tips and advice, but today i went to the locksmith and right across the street is a building that houses both URI's continuing education department AND the RI teacher certification board.  so i marched right in there and talked to a nice lady who gave me a stack of paperwork.

8) i now know, beyond a doubt, from where i picked up the phrase "shit the bed."

9) i found out today, while wandering around downtown, that i live mere blocks from lupo's heartbreak hotel, my very favorite live music venue.

10) i am a clutz because i'm busy checking out my surroundings instead of watching the ground in front of me.  last night, more engrossed in talking and eye contact than walking, i fell down a short set of stairs and severely strained my left knee, hip, and groin.  it hurts like hell but was pretty fucking funny.  limping sucks.

11) providence is rad.

12) there is absolutely nothing like listening to table conversation and noticing out of the corner of your eye that the person next to you is looking at you.  really watching.  and they don't look away when you finally meet their eyes with yours.

13) it's true that no one says hello to strangers on the street out here.  i keep doing it, though, and it makes everyone i know highly irritated and uncomfortable.  "you know," they said, "everyone in providence is going to know you soon.  you'll be the 'crazy blonde "hello" girl'."  i don't really have a problem with that.

thank god


that it turned out that blogger was just down or something and not that the computers in this blasted business center were blocked from accessing blogs.  it was like the world was ending or something.  but then becky came home and i felt better. 

i gave up and wrote out a blog entry longhand, but i didn't bring it with me.  i have to go now because i have to look up hot-air balloon reservations for friday and i have to go to bed early because i'm getting up early to watch my roommate spar.  yup, as in boxing.  she's badass.  and she carries a gun!  and she has a nice ass!  i better start catching up, because she's WAY cooler than me so far.

tomorrow i'll post what i wrote today, which is a list of things i love/hate/have learned in my first two days in providence.

i love providence, by the way.  the locals won't allow me to say this word, but this city is RAD.

now all i've got to do is find a job.  probably after the hot air balloon, though.  i've got priorities.

this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play


tonight.  it's finally arrived.  even though i'm  tempted to drop the cats off, unpack, take a nap, and hit the road again--tonight i'll be sleeping in my new room in providence.  the thirty boxes containing what's left of my belongings were delivered today.  i'll be leaving manhattan around eight.  it's freaking me out.
on a positive note, at least we made it to manhattan.  it only took about three hours of standing still, and a bold illegal move over a highway median, but we got to the apartment around 430am.  and then made two trips, in mind-crunching humidity, to the the sixth floor (no, silly, no elevator) with bags and cats.
last night i met D's girlfriend for the first time.  she's a professional singer.  i was telling her a story, and used a phrase that caused her to reach for pen and paper.  no one's ever written down something i've said before.  it was pretty freakin' rad.  also, she's super fucking rad.  i love her a little bit, i think.
anyone gotten any postcards yet?  anyone else want one?


this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play

no right turn


i just got back from seeing before sunset.  good goddamn go see this movie.  i'm glad i wasn't with anyone, because it was one of those moviegoing experiences i didn't want to have to share right away.  i was jesse only a couple of short years ago.  i know a few people who are jesse now.  i'm celine right now.  well, i'm celine having a fit in the back of the van towards the end of the movie.  i'm exactly that this year so far.  i was so affected by the movie that i couldn't stand the idea of going home right away.  so i didn't.  i burned circles around my old stomping grounds.  the store where i bought my first pack of cigarettes.  the movie theatre where i spent four years working and socializing.  the traffic circle that we used to go round and round and round until another car came except there is now a target there and no longer a traffic circle.  my high school.  i noticed how all the trees everywhere have gotten bigger but most of the buildings have gotten smaller.  there are tons more speedbumps scattered about, because that's how they work it in the NoVa.  the bowling alley where i spent new year's '96 with D (who i will be happily picking up at union station tomorrow evening) and AW (my boyfriend at the time.  one of the quality ones that i squandered.).  i drove by the bar where, last xmas holiday, i gave RH a second chance a year after he had trashed his first one. (but goddamn did he look good walking through that door.  jerkface.)  and i listened to jem, a few songs twice.  it made me think both of the fabulous memorial day weekend i spent north of frisco with a dear friend who had the whole cd on repeat for two days straight and also gave me some new songs to hold close, and also of packing and moving and picking up a wingman at SNA and songs getting stuck in heads and saving the cd until we were almost at our destination and a very special night in new orleans that started off with me being reminded again how beautiful my old friends are, slowed down with the baby being put to bed and the dog stealing my socks, and ended with me remembering why sometimes it's worth it to go out on a limb and bare it all ever so briefly.  which brings me back to before sunset.  a beautifully written movie about truly connecting with another, missed opportunities, the absurdity of fate and timing, and romance that has nothing to do with flowers and candy and everything to do with laying it all on the line and taking a fucking chance. 

the SC


i am safely back from myrtle beach, where i had a wonderful evening with guido. he is a big loveable laidback southern boy with a charming sarcastic streak. and no worse for wear from his 13 months in the middle east, from what i could tell (welcome home again, guid!). he's got a firecracker girlfriend and the cutest dog on the planet. pictures to follow.

the beaches of myrtle prompted a few bouts of bad poetry, one of which can be found below (the other should probably be burned). it's becoming clear to me that i need to put an end to this trip sooner rather than later, or i may never stop. i may not be capable. but i gave the whole teacher thing some more thought. i'm liking the idea more and more. working with adolescents... contributing to a community... and when i passed a rented RV and realized that i could tool around the country visiting people every summer--that was a pretty killer fantasy.

my dad phoned from a business trip in boston, excited that i was back in town. he wants me to MOW THE LAWN tomorrow. it's like i never left. wonder if there will still be five bucks in it for me. that'd be kind of cool.

in honor of uncaring bastard day, i've decided to let another day slide where i don't pick up the phone and call my sister. she's five miles away and normally we'd be hanging out right now. but i can't bring myself to suck it up (again) and make the first move (again) and deny that i have any actual feelings about the topic at hand (again) and just apologize (again) so that the whole thing will go away. maybe tomorrow... maybe i should invite her over to mow the lawn.

i've been experiencing a lot of crazy chicks lately. actually, this whole trip, i think most of the girls that i've met have been a little off. but they all have lovelives whereas i do not. not that i necessarily want one. but to secure a quality guy, do i have to just let it all completely go and be a big ball of insecurity and psychoness and neediness and should i cry and yell a lot? is that what works? eh, maybe it's just the southern girls.

i might rename this blog... ideas?

i see an emotional breakdown on the horizon. it's expected, but it's like this little game that my selves are playing with me. will it be today? will it be in half an hour? how 'bout tomorrow? maybe as soon as you flop on your new bed in providence? too much schtuff is stirring in me right now and it's going to have to come out. so many thoughts and feelings and experiences and faces and newfound desires.

the only easy solution i can come up with is venting it all by finding some empty sex immediately upon arriving in rhode island. call up some old friends. have my roommate hook me up with one of her cop buddies.

but i guess maybe i don't want that, because i could have had it last night with a photographer from okie. i chose instead to toss a hasty goodbye and disappear while he and his buddies were fighting over the bill. i pretended i couldn't hear him as i opened the door to leave.

i'll probably just end up crawling into my roommate's bed on that first night. listen to her breathing while she falls asleep and use it to try to pace down my pending anxiety attack. it'll be anxiety prompted by happy stress, but stress is stress.

there's one other thing i can think of that would absolutely calm me immediately. but you can't always get what you want. sometimes that's half the fun, i suppose. annoying, though.

ooh, i just remembered that i have a motorcycle date lined up in providence. yee haw! the wind rushing through my hair (er...helmet) should serve as some solid distraction. only putting off the inevitable, but still.


I said a proper hello to the Atlantic tonight
Picked up some shells and got my toes wet
South Carolina, your humidity only hours ago stole my will
But tonight
Tonight I remembered and you gave it back
I remembered your sunset breezes
And your mild nights
I made a new friend
And had killer conversations with strangers
I took the long way home
Through the low tide surf
That brought me here to this balcony
I look a mess--pale from my fearing ways and shiny with the wet air
But I'm happy
So fucking happy I can barely stand it
Did I mention?
The seashells have an intended
One for you
And one for me
But it doesn't matter, not really
There is lightening casting a glow over the lovers on the beach
There is white noise from rolling waves
There is sweat on my chest
And I am here and it is now.
Someday. Someday...
I am happy.

this is an audio post - click to play

the ass

i forgot about these ones. here, i am discussing something at length with this nice ass. i don't think he was seeing my side of things:

but we eventually came to an understanding. we decided to agree to disagree and smiled about it:

i'm running hella late this morning. wanted to be on the road by eight but woke up at nine. my sister refuses to talk to me. D is coming in from philly to drive up to NYC this weekend with me. i'm crossing my fingers that my car doesn't get fucked with. my mother's concern was that the cats wouldn't be able to handle the "wicked city" that is new york. hope she can handle that "idol" concert. hugs and kisses. call me.

4000 and counting

just over 4,000 miles now. jesus christ. onto myrtle beach tomorrow. why? i don't really know, and to visit with guido for an evening.

i'll be back with the 'rents in another day or so. all i have to say is there is a 40 of mike's hard cranberry lemonade in the fridge and a note on the fridge door that says, "8/22--IDOL CONCERT". i've not the heart to ask about either. sometimes, these people concern me. but i love them. no one can make you laugh over nothing until you're all crying at the dinner table like the people who've known you your entire life.

matt, contemplating the new orleans sky and his very large daiquiri.

jen, wondering why we thought it was so weird that she put a nipple on her bottle of beer.

matt, pushing a stroller and again pondering his very large daiquiri.

our hosts, jen and todd, were nice enough to take us to their very favorite bar. and then they were nice enough to take a picture of us under the sign. the bar was nice enough to supply me with murphy's stout. it was a very good pitstop.

that, my friends, is a lot of crawdads. that is also the hat that matt was just calling "goofy" in a recent post. i'd liken it more to "dashing". especially in the french quarter. though his shirt does say "dork", so it's kind of a paradox. also, notice how extra tan matt's right arm is. that's what toolin' around a desert in a car with no a.c. will getcha.

haha, a bar with tire swings instead of stools. i can imagine how much fun THAT would've been after one more daiquiri.

me and matt's roommate, woody, with a hot chick. he was trying to pick her up, but she ended up pulling me onto the dance floor and teaching me some basic swing moves. also, her boyfriend took the picture, so i don't know what woody's chances were anyway.

state street, ann arbor, michigan. goddamn is that a pretty downtown.

paul, sporting his sexy tigers hat. neither goofy nor dashing, but hot nonetheless.

paul revving up to kick my ass at pool. again.

me and paul. me, trying to get through the last roll of film on the roll. paul, grinning from ear to ear that his night of hell was finally coming to an end.

i woke up in ann arbor on friday morning

and had this poem ringing in my head. that afternoon i marched into the first bookstore i could find and looked in poetry compilation after poetry compilation until i found it. i took out the middle part, because i wanted to.

The Waking
--Theodore Roethke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.


I've lost track of the days of the week.
In doing so, I now realize how very unimportant they are.
I came across my watch earlier today--I had forgotten I even own one.
I've rediscovered romance--
The romance of the open road
The romance of random connections
and of turning strangers into friends.
Of wet-lashed goodbyes
and of staying awake for 40 hours just to bounce on an old friend's bed while she's trying to go to sleep.
I am currently one-day's drive from my childhood home,
Terrified about what that milestone will mean to me.
I'd rather spend another long sandy a.c.-less day across the high desert
Than be reminded that this experience is closing
Reality, stay at bay a bit longer.
I want to avoid the northern shores of the Atlantic at all costs
I want to backtrack the Rockies and say hello to San Francisco Portland Seattle
I want a do-over on the beginning of the trip.
Fuck Mondays and clocks and stability and being on time and goodbyes and itineraries and details and
loving things not enough
and other things far too hard.
I want this to never end.



fucking gmail is down. i have a computer at my disposal and it's fucking down. for the last half hour! i was convinced that there was going to be all kinds of big fat joyous emails that would bring tears to my eyes waiting for me, but now that it's down, i'm sure that's just a sign that there will be e-tumbleweeds blowing through my inbox.

the homefront

i have arrived at my childhood home and it is freaking the fuck out of me. but i will save the pensive, roadtrip-inspired, insipid ranting and wailing for tomorrow.

in the meantime, check out a bunch of lies and altered pictures at paul's site.

and paul, the feeling is reciprocated. that was one hell of a kickass night. but why didn't you post any of the fucked up pictures i took of YOU? it's okay, though. you'll get yours once i get my disposable developed. and find a scanner. and computer time. but eventually.

this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play


i forgot that there were some killer moments last night as well, so i'm going to focus on those.

i got a rhode island quarter in my change for a beer, and i took it as a positive sign.

i also happened to meet two teachers. the first is a special ed teacher in milwaukee who absolutely adores her job. admits that the politics can get old, but that the benefits (both emotional and economical) outweigh them. the second is a drama/dance teacher who is in the middle of chucking her life in san diego to try a new life in the milwaukee area for a while.

i've been thinking about going into the teaching racket off and on for years. the schedule would be perfect for lots of summer roadtrips. and there is something about 12-15 year old brats that i inexplicably dig.

so i'm glad i ran into two people who are teachers and who love their work. because sometimes i need a little random push to get me into action. the students of rhode island better watch out! well, potentially watch out. who knows what i'll decide to be tomorrow.

onto ypsilanti!


i woke up this morning with three letters sharpied onto my forearm. i do this from time to time; it's a message from my drunk self to my next-day sober self. sometimes i want to make extra sure that nothing gets lost in the translation of sleep.

RHR. remember how ridiculous.

it was an odd night. it was milwaukee, so of course it was rad. but odd all the same.

remember how ridiculous.

it was a ridiculous night. full of ridiculous things, people, and events. sometimes, ridiculous is a good thing. sometimes it's not.

life is funny, though. sometimes you think you've got something completely pegged, but then it turns around and rears on you. not entirely fun, but a definite learning experience.

and now i'm about to jump in the shower, pack up the cats, and hit the road. i have no idea where i'm headed beyond south and east. i have to get in my car and consult my maps. and probably make some phone calls so that people know i'm comin'. once i figure out where i'm goin'.

i wonder if there will be any new messages on my forearm to greet me tomorrow...

(did i mention i am jobless? that is so fuckin' weird. i'm still not used to it. i got no cash, but i got a whole lot of liberation.)

halfway there

mad packing and drinks with des in downtown LA. a leisurely day on huntington beach's main street on thursday.

2800 miles since friday morning.

texas barbeque and austin-style hole-in-the-wall on saturday. crazy patio-style drinking and the french quarter, complete with drive-thru daquiris, crawdads, and oyster shooters, through monday. flying as much like the wind as a small japanese car can all day tuesday to arrive in milwaukee in time for matt to catch a few before work this morning.

all in all, i'm having a fucking blast. the itinerary may have to change. traveling with the feline twins is proving more difficult and worrisome than i had hoped it would be. i may have to cut straight to the folks' house in NoVa, then onto the glory of providence. to those i was planning on visiting, i'll let you know for sure what's going on. i'm glad that you're all scattered east of the mississippi at least, and that i can do another roadtrip to see you next time the spirit moves me (and i will leave the cats safely at home).

the desert is mother effing hot in the summer. i don't have a/c. and while i'm glad i was up to the challenge, huntington beach to austin in one long shot is boring and potentially dangerous. i don't recommend that 24 hours to anyone.

texas is mother effing BIG. two days to get through that bitch.

matt's the best roadtrip partner i've ever had. he navigates and gives mileage updates and doesn't complain when some people have to stop and pee all the time or take extended breaks because they're worried about the cats and he flips the pages of the cd album so new cds can be chosen and cranked.

i'm having progressively more moments of sadness. a stupid song on the radio or a soft look from a friend can set me spinning. no one really knows it, i think. luckily i've had sunglasses on a lot. i'm starting to miss people, and things, and i'm starting to get wicked nostalgia for both the past and the present. i can't wait to start my new life, but there are a few things i wish i could bring along. i just hope the retaining wall holds up. the seconds in which i pause to reflect are stretching and closing in on one another. that's the good/bad thing about roadtrips: an awful lot of time to think and analyze and ponder and turn sadness around in your mind to see how certain aspects of it fit.

eh. brewers game tonight. maybe that'll pull me out of it. hard to be sad at a ballpark after you've eaten a doggie dog and have a beer in your hand. a night game, too! no need for sunscreen! whoot! (<---i stole that.)