my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...



this is fred. he's a fine looking fellow. i brought him into my home when i first reported to new london, connecticut, because i was extremely lonely and the barracks rooms were cold. nine years that is.

i worked with a couple of pranksters. when they found out i had brought fred onboard, where he comfortably spent his days curled up on my rack waiting for me, they immediately began scheming.

one day, i came down from the midwatch at four a.m. to find fred sitting on the messdeck. he had a bowl of cereal in front of him and a spoon near his paw. he was happily wearing a bright blue hard hat, with one of my chief's mawed cigars hanging from his mouth. i wonder how long he had sat there like that, and whether he had gotten confused and bored.

a few months later, i reported for lookout on the flying bridge. we were a few hours away from pulling into port. a good lookout looks everywhere, but i hadn't thought to look up until my radio beeped. it was one of the pranksters, asking if i had taken a look at the mast. i turned my head. fred was proudly flying at full mast right beside the stars and stripes!

fred has been there for me on a lot of cold nights. he is the perfect size for snuggling. i've been so busy getting used to having an entire bed to myself for this past year, that i completely forgot about fred. a few nights ago, i brought him back. it's not an easy job, and he takes a beating with all my tosses and turns.

fred, i think, is the best twenty dollars i ever spent.

suck it

you know what it is? it's when you want something you can't have.

you know what else it is? thursday. one more day and then...

i wish it was still cold enough on the california mountains to support snow. i'd really like to see some snow. i'd like to drink a hot cocoa, outside, at night, and stare up at the light-pollution free sky.

i was originally going to post this longass essay that i wrote almost five years ago for a creative writing class. my professor wanted me to publish it, but what does she know? but it's too akin to my last few posts. and who needs more of THAT shit?

not me, that's who.

i've got a few different options for the weekend. i'm at a complete loss to choose between them:
1) total hibernation, with some yard work and housecleaning thrown in for good measure
2) normal weekend stuff, which could include anything from a full day of both volumes of kill bill to going to see a band with friends to date dos with zinger to a possible booty call if i choose to answer the phone
3) roadtrip to san fran, if my buddy'll have me on such short notice

ooh, and maybe adult night at the local roller rink on sunday. oh yes.

i am such a freaking geek.

i'm still mad at this blog

but i'm choosing not to deal with it this a.m.

about mike: mike is rad. mike lives with my friend, D. they are both incredibly good-looking men, and when they hit the town (and even moreso when they hit the town together), high levels of man-whoreness ensues. or it used to.

because mike has recently sworn off women. he claims his one sex-free month is enough to qualify for abstinence. D and i disagree. we think that going one little month without sex is like maybe you were just out of town a lot or something.

but i will support mike in his endeavor. because lord knows i should probably think about joining him. sex, as much as i adore it, has never made anything easier. it doesn't always make things harder [EDIT: i was gonna fix that, but damn that's pretty funny. that joke is just waiting to be made.], but it always brings a little something extra to the playing field.

anyway, mike is tall and cute and smart and is a writer (which we all know makes chicks swoon). last new year's eve, he got me and D and C on the guest list for a private party in NYC which normally would've cost ninety bucks. we each paid ten. and drank all night for free. that same trip, he overheard me having massive verbal hemorrhages over some relationship crappity-doo, and joined us in a friendly supportive discussion. he added a lot of unbiased insight.

that mike. what a guy.

an old quote from a drunk guy that i just randomly remembered last night: "you know what's fun? havin' fun. havin' fun is FUN."

i'd have to say i agree.

please find a few new links on the right. new ones in red. i can't believe i've never linked boz before. and baked bean guy over at subordinate is cool. he likes good music. but his blog seems to be in flux today and i can't see it. and my favorite new link: solo in the HOV lane, brought to you by my good friend nancy.

(an HOV lane, for all you californians, is what folks back east call their car pool lanes. i think we should start a movement to call ours "CP lanes", in retaliation.)

alright, i'm going to go back to being a big crybaby crabapple now. maybe go work on my other blog, who i'm not pissed at right now.

ooh, did i tell you i'm gonna take drum lessons? i'm gonna be so bad at it. it'll be HOTTT.


i can't believe the fucking mood i'm in. i am supposed to write about my friend D's roommate, mike, per his request. but now i don't want to. sorry, mikey. maybe tomorrow.

today, i hate this blog.

today, i'm tired of straining for distractions from what i know is true.

today, i'm tired of people and their bullshit. this includes myself.

i wish. i wish. i wish. i wish.

i can't believe it's even possible to feel this way.

last night in the bathroom, i listened to two off-duty strippers discussing their lunchtime tips. it was enough to make me want to grab them by their mops and crack their heads together.

last night, a man i had just been introduced to called me 'monica'. normally i let shit like that slide, because, really, what's the point? but it's a damn good thing i didn't have a fork in my hand.

i danced a little. then i looked around and realized that the chicks on the dance floor all looked like they were doing some crazed mating display for the men staring towards the stage from the bar. the idea did make me laugh to myself, but then i felt like breaking something.

a lot of people are too fucking literal for my taste.

today, i want to be a crazy cave person. someone who shucked society and is living off of berries and tree bark, babbling incoherently at their own echo. i might even have a wolf-puppy, but i haven't got the scenario completely worked out yet.

i hate you and your fucked-up lies.

but i hate me, too, so don't feel too bad.

fucking blog.

guide to visiting milwaukee on a whim

1) make arrangements to stay with two of the funnest people on the planet, one of whom is linked on the right over there. (they will also take turns making eggs, bacon, and toast/pancakes without you even having to ask. they kick total and complete ass.)

2) catch a pro sports game

3) laugh hysterically about just about everything. it turns out that there isn't much about anything that isn't funny if you search for the right angle. you will be glad to discover that your hosts have no problem finding this angle. EVER.

4) drink LOTS of miller lite. apparently there are magic ingredients in miller lite. if you don't drink enough, you will get a bad hangover. drink lots and lots of it, and your accustomed-to-coors-lite-and-guinness head will wake up pleasantly surprised.

5) avoid sleep. according to one of your hosts, it is highly overrated. by the end of the weekend, you will be inclined to agree with him.

6) make sure that other bloggers you've never met have your number. because it will be so funny you might pee your pants when they call you in the middle of the night to inform you that it's their birthday and you immediately hand the phone to another blogger they've never met.

7) engage in as much car dancing as humanly possible.

8) be thankful that spirit air has such rock-bottom prices.

in other news, we didn't win the award friday night. but a good time was had by all, and it's always fun to dress up. well, it kinda sucks to dress up, but the reactions of people who have never seen you in a dress is worth it.

go bucks!

drunk and spontaneous

oh lordy, i don't know if the maggies know what they've got in store tonight. i found out the cocktail reception is being sponsored by the company that prints our rag. my boss is currently peeved at them. so i told him who was paying for the drinks and he instructed me to get as drunk as possible. nice.

and due to the results of a buzz dial last night, and some joking around and some bluffs being called, i am expected to attend a bucks game. in milwaukee. tomorrow. so i just now bought plane tickets. i don't know that i've ever traveled spontaneously to quite this degree before. it feels strange. and FUN.

spirit air sucks, though. good rates, but last time i flew them i felt like i was in an almost-out-of-commission school bus. in the air. but what's four hours in the middle of the night when you're still buzzed from an awards ceremony?

things i should've grown out of but still love:

1) roller skating. at a rink. i like couples skate, and the hokey pokey, and fast skate, and all skate (but skate slowly), and i really like taking a break during boys skate and checking out the merchandise over a mixed icee.

2) petting zoos! baby goats are cute and cows are cute and duckies are cute and feeding sheeps is cute.

3) regular zoos! zoos are rad. yes, i get sad sometimes seeing the magnificent wild confined to a manmade shell of an environment. but seeing a panda up close? rad. seeing an elephant up close? rad. seeing a giraffe extend its tongue up close? SUPERrad.

4) planetariums. i haven't been to a planetarium in years and years and years. i love stars, i love the universe. if i had more motivation and ambition, i would be an astronaut right now. or at least an astronomer. and seriously, there's nothing better than going on a field trip, finagling a seat next to your crush, and feeling his hand reach for yours in the dark.

5) getting hickeys. i know, i know. what an adolescent immature way of marking one's territory and/or showing off. i'm not saying that my present day hickeys need to be in plain view, but there is something magical about stepping out of the shower and being happily reminded of a recent mattress tussle when you spot that bruise in the mirror. wherever it may be.

6) picking up snakes. i just like picking up snakes. nice walk in the woods, spooked by a snake? i'll probably pick it up. not to torture you, or freak you out, or prove something. just to pick it up. (they usually pee on me, so i don't know why i refuse to give this one up.)

7) stealing odd things from restaurants and stuff. sometimes i'm in the mood for a random fork. sometimes a napkin holder. sometimes a 'wash your hands' sign from the bathroom.

8) piggy back rides. when i find the man who can piggy me for at least a block without tiring, i will probably fall in love. when i find a man who will piggy me without my even asking, i will know that i need look no further.

this is kind of fun. i encourage you to play along. i think i may come up with some more before this game is over...


for being such a kickass blogger user, i got myself a beta gmail account. i know, you all probably did, too. i'm still excited.

the maggies are coming. that's the award banquet i have to go to on friday. it's like the oscars of the magazine world, if the oscars only applied to the west coast and required cocktail attire. and weren't televised. and were even more boring. my prayers for a giant, hot, smart date were ignored, so i'll be escorted by a coworker. i hate dressing up. don't get me wrong, i'll look stellar. but i won't like a second of it.

anybody have any recommendations for a good anti-crow's-feet cream? i'm starting to see my mother's eyes when i look in the mirror.

do you like pina coladas?

do you like getting caught in the rain?

do you have half a brain?

i need to make some better at-work musical choices. that much is clear.

horrible story i heard last night,

or, about a woman who is making a bad name for the rest of us,
or, sometimes the ENTIRE truth is just mean

so this young couple is dating for 5 years. they live together in a house that he owns. there have never been any serious problems. prior to the events below, there had been no unhappy discussions or plans made.

guy comes home one day and thinks the place has been robbed. then he realizes it's mostly HER stuff that is gone. he can't get ahold of her and sits, worried and panicked, for three or four days.

she finally calls him. when he answers, he hears some muffled sounds. he quickly realizes it's the sound of two people fucking. he recognizes her moan. she has propped her phone up near the bed for his listening pleasure.

this happens again a few days later. he knows it's his girl, and he's heartbroken and devastated. not to mention confused as hell. she still won't answer any 'regular' calls from him, or talk to him at all.

a few weeks pass. he discovers that all of his utility bills are WAY past due, and services are being shut off. turns out that she was responsible for paying the bills, but out of his checking account. what she had been doing was throwing the monthly bills and statements away, and pocketing the money. the sex calls were coming from new york, which she was visiting with some friends. she had been pocketing utility money for months before she left.

after these few weeks, when he realizes what has been going on, she finally calls. a real call.

he says: holy shit! what the fuck? at least tell me you're safe.

she says: yeah. listen, remember when we bought that washer and dryer and put it on my credit card?

he says: you TOOK the washer and dryer

she says: but you never paid me back. i need the money.

he says: no fucking way. i'm glad you're safe, but don't ever fucking talk to me again.

then he goes outside. where his neighbor tells him that she saw his dog get hit by a car. he starts to cry.

the neighbor then says, "she wasn't dead when they took her away. she was screaming and screaming and screaming."

i like happy

i feel happy today. for a monday, that is for the record books. AND it's that time of the month, so it's especially shocking, monday or no.

i have beer/pool plans with zinger tonight. though i did realize during a phone conversation yesterday that if we continue zinging, we will never actually find anything out about each other. the conversation is so active, that one person gets set off on a different tangent by the other before finishing any one idea/story.

mumblemumblecellphonestatic phants

did you just say that you like elephants?

no, but i DO like elephants

asian or african?

african, all the way.

nice ans--

can we go somewhere sometime?

yeah, totally. roadtrip.

there's someone at the door, hang on

we should go to boston.

yeah, african elephants are rad.

wait, what were you saying?


before the elephants.

i lost my keys today.


dude, it's not funny.

you have my sympathy, 'cause that sucks. but yes, it's very funny.

i lost them at a construction site. i looked for them all day...

[laughing] okay. you're right. it's funny and not at all annoying

oh yeah. like hanging out with someone who's always losing their wallet or their i.d. those people rule. not annoying at all.

yeah. it's kind of hot when someone is losing shit all the time and making life difficult for everyone around them

totally hot.

when are we going to catalina? (note: we have never once had a discussion about catalina, in any context.)

oh yeah. in a few weeks. too windy right now.

good, good. african elephants?

african elephants.

friday night in fullerton

last night was a strange night. i think the whole evening started out wrong when i allowed the chick i was hanging out with to convince me that a "cute" outfit was required. i'd never been to the bar before, so i fell for it. i'm blaming all weirdness on the fact that i was, because of my "cute" boots, three inches taller than the official height of orange county males: 5' 8". i'm wearing my shelltoes next time, no matter where we're going.

awkward: being tapped on the shoulder by your ex-boyfriend while you're in the middle of spittin' game to a new guy. i had not the social skills to know what to do, and i apologize for the extreme weirdness.

strange: finding out five minutes into the evening that the girl you're hanging out with is a drama-filled basketcase, thus helping to further cement your feelings concerning making friends with chicks.

good: having a rare moment with someone who seems to be completely onboard with your sense of humor. zinging back and forth with a stranger for hours is one of the best things life has to offer.

bad: apparently, this particular bar is the only place in orange county with no cell service. so i gave up and turned my phone off. i had one message waiting for me before i turned it off, but i knew who it was from and hadn't cleared it yet.

happy: this morning, when i went to clear it, the nice sprint pcs lady told me i had 5 new messages. it turns out that when you've announced that you'd appreciate any and all drunk dials, AND you're phone is off, THAT is when everyone wants to talk to you.

excited: now i'm off for lunch and "eternal sunshine..." i can't wait to see that movie.

saturday night might hold more strange fun. my head might explode from all this activity.

some thoughts

it's friday. i will be venturing to fullerton tonight. it should be fun.

my eyes hurt. i think there must be something in the air.

i had a discussion about blowjobs the other day. i've decided i don't mind 'em. but i hate skullfuckers. you boys know who you are. now knock it off.

there are only five episodes of 'angel' left. oh, stop crying. you don't have to cry just because i am.

i thought i had a handle on my crush. i was wrong.

my rockstar friend has been calling. i think that's odd.

i'd like to find out why my hair is a slightly different color when i blowdry it.

i'm working on a mixed cd project. it's exciting and way more fun than it should be. it reminds me of many years ago when i decided to make a mixed tape of songs that all referred to cigarettes. it ended up being a pretty good tape.

'eternal sunshine...' is in my near future. yes.

i have a tv show idea to pitch to vh1 or mtv, but i don't know how to do that.

please send me some money. thank you.

have a great weekend. drunk dialing is encouraged. seriously--if you want the number, email me and i'll supply it. drunk dialing RULES.



hey, come on. it's the little things sometimes. like candy hearts that say, "start now". i found one yesterday that said, "kiss me again." that's a presumptuous little piece of candy right there.

shit. i forgot i'm supposed to be dead.


i'm embarking on another blog project. with a domain name and everything. it's an experiment. no tracker. no comments. see if i can't get my writing back to being for writing's sake.

with the server space i'm paying for, i'm even able to link music files for download. though i don't think the fucksticks spearheading the "filesharing is the DEVIL" movement would be very pleased.

no comments. christ that's gonna be weird.

somebody write an obituary

i just caught a little bit of the swan.

and now i'm forced to kill myself so i'll never happen upon it again.


i've found myself referencing the following song a lot lately. i don't really know why. but everyone i've sang it to thought i was crazy and had no recollection of said song:
(songwriter unknown)
(transcribed from the "Prairie Home Companion Folk Song Book")

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me
Guess I'll eat some worms
Long slim slimy ones, short fat juicy ones
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms

First you cut the heads off, then you suck the guts out
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm
Long slim slimy ones, short fat juicy ones
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms

Wiggle goes the first one, goosh goes the second one,
Sure don't wanna eat these worms
Long slim slimy ones, short fat juicy ones
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,
Sure hate the taste of worms
Long slim slimy ones, short fat juicy ones
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms

Nobody hates me, everybody likes me,
Never shoulda eaten those worms
Long slim slimy ones, short fat juicy ones
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms

Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm
Long slim slimy ones, short fat juicy ones
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms
so. i'm not the only one who remembers this song, right?

drunk dialing

1) a message from ryan around midnight last night:
man...blahblahblahblahblah *loud background noises* blah and i miss the internet. i do. tomorrow will be my first day back and i've missed it like...like a schoolgirl misses her backpack on the first day of junior high
2) madmathias at noon today:
CAN YOU HEAR ME? THERE'S REALLY LOUD MUSIC BEHIND ME, AND I'M KINDA DRUNK. okay, i'm really drunk. we've been tailgating. i've been drinking since TEN! and that's CENTRAL TIME!
i love my drunk friends who i've never met. they make me smile when i'm sober.

gift horses

i don't have very good feelings about today, but my horoscope said that a gift was en route to me right this very moment. i hope it's something good. something to take the edge off of a day that feels like it's going to amount to a big pile of nothing.

the florida state quarter was unveiled yesterday, and i didn't find out until today. that's the sort of day it's already turning into. i'll probably also find out that ed mcmahon stopped by my office yesterday afternoon to give me a big check, but since i left early they gave it to the next person on the list instead.

my crush is getting out of hand. i'm such a sucker for the written word. which makes reading blogs an extremely exciting proposition. yes, there is a lot of crap out there, but to stumble upon a blogger who can actually string some sentences together. and then to instant message or email with said blogger and find out they are even more aphrodisiastical with words in personal correspondence. but this has got to stop. i'm almost thirty, for chrissake. what use do i have for unrequited crushes?

i'm stepping up the job search. i say that all the time and it doesn't really mean anything, and this time is no different. i'm looking in seattle, milwaukee, des moines, and rhode island. don't ask. there's no logic to it. next time i job search it might be portland, sioux st marie, key west, anchorage, and london.

i'm thinking of quitting my job with no warning and going on a month-long roadtrip. who's with me?

if i don't quit by april 23, i have to go to a semi-prestigious awards banquet. the magazine i work for has been nominated. it's dressy. there will be a cocktail reception and round tables. i've decided i need a hot date. i was going to start calling escort services, but maybe you guys know of someone...? otherwise, J will be my date. we'll have a blast like we always do, but with me in heels he is going to be shockingly shorter than me. shrug. maybe i am shallow, after all.

my gift better get here soon. stupid horoscope.


i was linking around from blog to blog and came across this idea from someone somewhere. they, of course, got the idea from someone else somewhere else. anyway, the original idea is to randomize your entire music collection and list the first twenty songs.

i'm at work, and don't have access to my entire collection. so here are the first twenty songs on my randomized "songs for work" playlist:

1) volcano - damien rice
2) this house is not for sale - ryan adams
3) papillon - twilight singers
4) blue carolina - alkaline trio
5) phone went west - my morning jacket
6) stay gone - the get up kids
7) the district sleeps alone tonight - the postal service
8) master plan - my morning jacket
9) we looked like giants - death cab for cutie
10) please forgive me - david gray
11) mine's not a high horse - the shins
12) st. gregory - twilight singers
13) get it faster - jimmy eat world
14) wish you were here - ryan adams
15) blue in the face - alkaline trio
16) motiveless crime - south
17) 39 - the cure
18) choked and separated - hot water music
19) 66 - afghan whigs
20) wonderwall - ryan adams

i've linked pages that contain .mp3 samples where i could. otherwise, i've linked lyrics (which are sometimes better than the actual song anyway).

p.s. sammy's doing great. i don't think he realizes he even had surgery. short of licking his stitches every once in a while, he's totally acting normal. let's keep our fingers crossed that he starts peeing like normal, too. also, sammy thanks everyone for the well-wishes.

p.p.s. get over to ryan's site and encourage him to keep it up. i spoke with him over the weekend and he, though drunk, said something along the lines of "pshaw. i'm over the whole blog thing. whatever." he might've said something else, but i couldn't understand him through the fish sticks and tater tots. they certainly know how to throw down in the SD.

your mom is hot


this is what this kid chose to wear out on a bearwatching excursion in alaska. but my mom IS hot, so it makes sense. we didn't see any bears, even though the salmon were running like crazy, so i can only assume that the bears did not appreciate the sentiment.

i dropped my cat off at the vet this morning for surgery. poor little thing. all he knows is that i wouldn't feed him this morning, that i put him in his evil carrier, drove him in the evil car, then abandoned him at the bad place. when i pick him up this afternoon, he might be happy to see me, but his belly will hurt like fuck and he won't know why. and, hopefully, if this surgery fixes his pee problem, he'll never put two and two together and be grateful for the hell i'm putting him through right now.

to make matters worse, he doesn't even have any money to help me pay for the flippin' thing in the first place. poor kitty.

p.s. it's too bad you couldn't make it last night. i was in a mood to return the backrub favor, but who knows what you'll end up with on the day you do show up. could be mai tais and a pillow fight. or maybe i'll just smack you around and make fun of you. never can tell...

i need you

to come over and give me a backrub and play with my hair.

that cool?

we could get some dinner, too, if you want to be here around six or seven.

see you then.

it's inverted kitty-tuque day!

after the thrills that were friday night, it's a wonder that i was even able to keep the energy up for all the rest of the weekend things i had in store for myself. somehow, i managed.

saturday night, i drank maybe one too many glasses of red wine. that drink does something weird to me... my apologies to all those who were witness/audience to my illogical ramblings of that evening.

sunday, the angels whooped up on the dodgers. and i didn't even bring a rally monkey! i did have my lucky flying squirrel shirt, though. 13 to 5. that's like a football score or something. poor dodgers. it's sorta beautiful, though. when the angels and the dodgers play, the fans and their shirts/hats make the place look incredibly patriotic.

i can tell from the way i'm writing this morning that starting drinking at 11am yesterday is NOT helping my skills. compound that with the fact that i'm completely thrown by the time change, and i'm surprised i'm even still breathing.

i was able to catch up with J yesterday, who went to the game as well. we hadn't talked in a few days and like to catch each other up on our dating lives. i'm not sure whether it's a good or bad thing that he laughs during the entire telling of any of my recent dating/sexual exploits. it sure is funny, though.

i also don't know whether it's a good or bad thing when he tells me that i'm becoming a guy. i take solace in the fact that even if that's partially true, i'm still much more discerning than most guys. but just barely.

last night i had a dream about my one and a half crushes. crushes are weird. dreams are weird. i'm weird. mondays are weird. yawn.

friday night!


are you ready?

because now you get to see it open. in all its glory...

yes, it's true. my friday night has so far been spent admiring my state quarter map. and as strange as it may sound, i'm having an absolute blast. in five minutes, i get to put the laundry in the dryer. oh. yeah.

michigan, right now, is my favorite quarter. the great lakes state, dontcha know. wisconsin, florida, iowa, and texas. man, it's gonna be an exciting year in quarter releases.

tomorrow, i'll be playing a "name the new car" game in hollywood. sunday, it's angels and dodgers in anaheim. i'm sure you can clearly see now why i need to take it easy tonight.

start now


my mother sent me a bag of giant valentine's heart candies a while back. every so often, i refill the candy dish at work with these little candy messages. i stumbled across the one pictured below. every other heart is very innocent. email me. boyfriend. hello. dear heart. and then this one. i've looked, and so far--out of hundreds of hearts--this is the only one that says this:

it's the raddest valentine's candy heart message EVER.


okay, now that my poor april fool's lie is out of the way...

it's been raining off and on this afternoon. it smells like heaven outside.

the pithy reneged raise i reported a few weeks back? yeah. well i filled out a new w-4 now that i'm single, and the resulting amount of taxes that are being held from my take-home pay... plus the raise... i now net less than i did before the raise.

my current financial state is starting to become funny to me. no, i swear. those aren't sad tears. this is going to be a rough month.

pop rocks do totally rule, though.

the weekend, part II

so i may have left out some pertinent parts of the "partied like rock stars weekend" story. there was an afterparty, but there was also an afterafterparty, if you catch my drift.

i couldn't help myself. it was such a shameful, groupie thing to do. but he was young and eager and cute and he was rubbing my back. he had amazing saxophone-player lips. he had imminently touchable hair...

the condom broke.

that's the first time that's ever happened to me. it's one of those things you hear about, but don't expect to ever experience firsthand. "uh oh" is not something you want to hear as your partner is pulling out.

i calmed him down, told him i'm on the pill. i asked him if there was anything I needed to worry about, but there is a script regarding such questions, so i can't hold his words with any true weight.

because of this publicly known script, i went to the doctor's this morning. my feelings of indestructibility waned over the last few days as my physical discomfort grew worse.

it's nothing incredibly dire. nothing that a bout of antibiotics won't cure. there are two distinct worries squeezing my brain right now, though, and both of them concern blood.

the antibiotics are all well and good, but there is that one last test. that test where they have to draw blood and send it to a lab. i won't know about that one for another week or so.

and all my fingers are tightly crossed that a certain lunar-phased visitor will greet me sunday. monday at the latest. i neglected asking them to test for that as well. they didn't push the issue, since i'm on birth control. but how many women do we all know whose eggs were more powerful than a daily dose of synthetic hormones?

it's gonna be a long week.
[EDIT: i know. it's far from funny. i swear i won't partake in my lame understanding of practical jokes ever again. i'll forever stick to dick and fart jokes only, from here on out.]

p.s. highlight the text below ("Ctrl" & "A") to find out who the blogcrush is:
april fool's, suckers. not only is the entire post a fabrication (or is it?), but you think i'm lettin' my schoolgirl crush out of the bag? seriously, though, practice safe sex. and don't buy "trojans, for her pleasure" in the purple box. heard too many stories about breakage to write it off as chance.