happy new year!

which reminds me, rent is due.

i really need to get this computer fixed. my procrastination is relentless. i swear i could waste a whole day fucking off around my apartment. just today i took up three hours making toast and having a bowl of ice cream. the healthiness of such a lunch is besides the point. and dawson's creek was on.

heading to lexington in the middle of the night. celebrating the new year with D and C, per our tradition. have to stop in philly to get D, then hopefully arrive in kentucky with plenty of time to get drunk with my two best friends in the world. but maybe a nap will be in order after the 14 hour drive.

i was giving D the rundown on married guy. he said i sounded happy about it, but that something was still up. i explained it was all the STUFF. the missing the daily phone calls, missing the sex, the looks, the way his hair felt, finding something he had given me behind the bookcase. "ah," he said. "the relationship residue." i think residue is a fantastic word for it.

yes. the residue remains.

it doesn't help that after a few weeks of no contact, i got a text message from married guy the day after christmas. it simply said: I hate you. one's first reaction at those words, all by themselves and not wrapped up in any context, is usually a violentgut one. which i had. dropped my jaw and everything.

then i realized how appropriate it was. it sums up everything. it gives me the final validation that i needed, because lately i've wondered whether i had created the whole thing out of thin air to begin with. it allows him to have the last word he has a habit of craving. it was a very MG-way of communicating that he was having problems with the relationship being over even though he knows it has to be, and that really what he means is that he doesn't hate me at all.

did mention his wife found letters i had written him? it's all very soap opera, and now that i've had a few weeks of distance, it's kinda fucking funny too. maybe one day i'll get the whole thing out on paper so i can really see for sure how ridiculous i can be.

"I hate you." it's perfect!

now i have to go put on something that shows off my boobs so that my patrons won't complain. men and boobs, i swear. they REALLY hate it when i wear a t-shirt and a comfortable bra. HATE it. you should see the guys that sit right in front of where i wash the glasses. they look like they're gonna have a coronary everytime i bend over to scrub. people clearly need to get laid more often.

happy new year!

happy holidays

bah humbug. i detest holiday pressure.

remind me to stop tying music up with my lovelife. now i've got a good 50 cds i can't bear listening to right now for the memories they invoke. did i use that word right?

things are kaput with married guy. i'm very happy about that, because it was an exhausting relationship. but love is love, and while i'm glad it's over, i still miss the guy.

so now that winter has arrived to the northeast, i'm discovering that i don't have any tolerances for their brand of cold bugs out here. i was sick as a dog last month, and now i'm even sicker again now. the kind of coughing that almost makes you throw up. i hate it. it's not the prettiest sight coming from a bartender making you a drink, either.

i haven't decided whether a vow of abstinence is in order, because clearly i cannot make healthy romantic decisions lately. all year long it's been one bad move after another. the other option is fucking the pain away, but i think i'm starting to get too old for that. and it seems so very sex-in-the-city. i don't know how familiar you are with providence, but manhattanesque it is not.

computer's about to crash. love you!

tell me i'm wrong, tell me i'm right, tell me there's nobody else in the world

i'm glad the hard artist is posting again. he has a very distinctive writing voice, and i've missed it.

i've actually been contemplating another geographical change. i won't do it; i've not got the money nor the energy, but it's there. gnawing away at my brain. things have been so utterly amiss since i've landed in providence.

i will admit that a good part of me likes all the ups-and-downs activity, but there is another part of me that would just like to take a big fucking nap. snuggle up with a large stuffed animal and some takeout menus and take a hibernating timeout from both my reality and fantasy lives. a complete shutdown and reboot, if you will.

so so much has been amiss.

i'm not complaining. far from it. i'm trudging away, taking small little nips out of my credit card debt and trying not to punch the back doctor in the face when he comments how bad a particular muscle is on a particular day.

i have it easy compared to some people.

but i feel adrift. i've felt anchorless since i've been here. i felt that way in cali but fooled myself into believing that my job and all my STUFF anchored me sufficiently for the time being. now i've gotten rid of the job and the STUFF and made a conscious decision to fuckitall.

trouble with fuckingitall is deciding whether you actually need an anchor at all.

he asks me when i'm going to stop wasting my brain. he has a point. but i've already decided to sign on to wasting my potential. why i won't just fucking rein my potential in, i'll never know. money doesn't matter to me. status doesn't matter to me. shit, these days even respect doesn't much matter to me (not because i've lost all care, but because i'm more certain than ever before who i am and how much what other people think of that doesn't fucking matter). i'm beginning to despise our hollow fluffy capitalistic society for making me think i want to be all these things that i never actually wanted but were on the TV.

maybe it's time to pare down the belongings even more and head for costa rica. or perth. or a fishing boat.

or i could go the other way. i could get the solid job with the solid benefits and buy some more business casual outfits and call it a day.

christ. happy fucking friday!

grrrrr

fucking computer. i got a guy to take a look at it for free and then he had a third party drop it off a week later with no word on why it's not fixed. ergh.

i can't write much for fear of this fucking thing crashing.

but someone better clean my room soon. this place is a fucking mess.

laundry.