finally

i've commandeered my roommate's computer and the only modem in the house and am currently comfortably typing from the comfort of my bed. this is the first time in months that i've had some quality alone time with the internet.

i don't get withdrawals anymore, but i'll admit this feels pretty damn good. even if my shoulder is already hurting from the very unergonomic position i've managed to contort.

matt left today. it was a fantastic weekend. he really is a great houseguest. even made breakfast on saturday for me and one of the roommates.

we never did make it to boston, but there's always next time.

it's strange; relating a story or experience to someone else has slowly become increasingly exhausting for me. even now, i want nothing more than to recreate experiences, but i don't have the energy to make it happen.

living life at full tilt is incredibly taxing. satisfying, but utterly tiring.

being a bartender is exhausting, too. it's not the standing all day that gets to me. it's the necessity of keeping a smile and pleasant demeanor at all times. it's like being on stage for six hours. and the wit has to be kept constantly sharpened as well. TAXING.

i've noticed lately that i don't want anyone to be in love with me, but i'm continually pushing to be in love at any given moment with any number of suitable targets.

yes, it's true. i love you. i say it jokingly sometimes. you say i'm a liar. you hear me say it to other people. please trust that it's sincere. it's true to some degree everytime i utter it. and YOU. i love you, too. we were fated to be a part of each other's life, even if we will never ever exactly figure out what to do with it.

and that, i realize now, is okay.

whew

back online back online back online. i'm curled up in my roommate's reading chair, stealing some quality time with her laptop.

the new apartment is killer, and the neighborhood rules.

now that i've got this thing in front of me, i don't really know what to write.

i've been sleeping for shit the last few nights. partially from the excitement of a certain visitor on his way to providence tonight. partially from getting used to the new digs. it's really really fucking quiet here. i think i'll have to invest in a fan for some white noise.

i have a new crush. he's married. i swear sometimes it's like i don't even like myself. =)

busy busy weekend ahead. matunuck, newport, boston. i need this in the worst way, though. i love my roommates, but i'd like to hang out with one of MY people for a little while.

now i'm just babbling. i promise more quality soon.

space ghost coast to ... post?

i was watching an episode of the venture brothers on adult swim the other night. the episode revolved around a machine that manipulated people's thoughts and memories in order to keep them in a state of bliss. or something like that.

one of the characters was a necromancer. wikipedia has this to say about necromancy:

"Necromancy is divination by raising the spirits of the dead. The word derives from the Greek nekros "dead" and manteia "divination". It has a subsidiary meaning derived from an alternative and archaic form of the word, nigromancy, (from the word niger, "black") in which the magical force of 'dark powers' is gained from or acting upon corpses. One who is a practitioner of necromancy is a necromancer."

what does all this have to do with anything?

absolutely nothing. but that's what friends are for.

i'm going to bring a laptop with me on my trip to providence so miss monique can finally post something.

-madmathias

fuckin' ebay

last week, i put a bid on something on ebay for mr. boston. today i found out i won the auction.

it's something i'm fairly certain he'll like and that i have no use for.

dammit.

so, feedback please: what message does it send to him if i go ahead and forward the present? he knows i bid on something, but has probably forgotten about it. opinions? suggestions?

and happy happy friday! now i'm off to retrieve laundry and put another load of boxes in the car for transport to the new place. yee-haw.

walked outta heaven

i don't know about that title for this post. i went to start typing stuff, and the drop down gave me this list of various shit that the last however many people have typed whilst using this communal computer. so i just picked the last one.

anyway...

the only time it hits me is when someone asks me how long i've been in town. every fucking time i have to stop and think about it.

about 6 weeks is where i'm at now. it's unbelievable to me when i look at it that way. only six weeks ago i was ending an amazing roadtrip and was scared to get out of the car lest it stop (the trip, not the car).

only six weeks ago i was upset over a good friend letting me down and the sudden re-sparkage of an old friend back on the scene.

within that six weeks i went to school, lost my car, got a job, was given a free car, found my car and managed to choke out a goodbye, went apartment hunting with two other people (anyone with any training in group dynamics will tell you that three is an awful number), signed a lease, unknowingly fell in love, broke down on the highway with nothing but a smile and some duct tape, had a heartbreak sneak up on me, fought with some dirty landlords over the fact that we still don't have a fridge, made some new friends, started appreciated my old ones more, and needed a haircut in the worst way.

all of this without unpacking a single box.

so much in life is unnecessary.

i say this even though i recently discovered that the red hot chili peppers' "californication" means something completely different from this side of the u.s.

today i went to breakfast with my roommate, B, and met a couple who live in our neighborhood. we talked for near an hour before it came out that they live only a block down from us on the same street. living in a burgeoning re-gentrified area is such a learning experience. all they had to say was "dark grey single-family greek revival" and we knew exactly which house on the block they were talking about.

today, i love my life.

(did i mention that this guy i know is coming to visit in a few weeks? it's gonna be weird seeing him in any other light than various aspects of daylight hitting the passenger's seat in honeycar, but i'm superexcited all the same.)

whoo-eee it's been a roller coaster ride these last few days. while i wish it had been a different roller coaster, i'm grateful to be capable of such a rush.

i've been contemplating becoming a travelling bartender. i should probably learn how to make more mixed drinks first. i've forgotten just about anything i learned at bartending school. luckily the house shots where i work now are so well-known by the regulars that they just tell me how to make it. not the most professional way to go about things, but hey--you want to drink it so bad, you should know what's in it.

so my first destination was to be key west, but florida is not such a good place to be right now (CHARLEY! FRANCES! IVAN! it's a mess down there, poor guys). besides, i'm already supposed to be in my new apartment and i'm not yet but i've paid rent and everything so maybe i should focus on that.

(it doesn't help that both of my roommates are in the middle of schmoopy-moopy boyfriend relationships right now. must remember to make a weekly boy-free night mandatory at the new digs.)

anyway. if i can find enough trust to take my car on such a journey, i should be visiting D in philly soon. me and my car, we've got trust issues. not to mention the blown speakers. sometimes when you pay nothing for something, you get exactly what you paid for. she's fast, though. and red. i'll give her that.

pshaw.

the letter my pride won't let me send

dear mr. boston,

it wasn't so long ago (mere days, really) when a phone call from me would
brighten your day at work. not so long when you would send me text messages
while i was at work since you know i can't talk.

actually, on saturday night i got a full body rubdown while sunday i
couldn't get a phone call.

i'm so curious about the details of what happened, but they don't really
much matter. all i need to know is that you've chosen history and comfort
over near-perfect chemistry and compatibility.

you must miss me. i'd like it if you missed me, but i know how practical
you can be about matters of the heart. our time is over and i'm sure you
moved on within seconds.

i wish you hadn't held me close and told me you loved me.

i was going to list a number of things that i will miss about you, and
remind you of some of the killer times we had together (like the newport
storm party in the rain or cuddling up on that red velvet couch, martinis in
hand, or the kickass discussion we had on the patio of the union right
before making out in your truck), but it doesn't much matter.

i'd like you to know that i would fight for you with everything i've got if
i thought it would make a difference. but when there's a third party
involved, there's not much one can do.

now that i think about it, i'm not even clear on how we left things. "i
need to know for sure if what i've already got here is done with and that i
didn't end it just because you came back to town." is it OVER over? do you
just need time to make sure things with her are caput? did you phrase it
that way because you'd like me to linger around your back burner just in
case?

none of that matters anyway. not when it comes to what i need to do next.

aughhhh!!! the fucking flowers and the cards and the fucking note on my
windshield. you certainly kicked it into high gear to convince me to give
us a chance. and it worked, you sneaky fucker.

you let me believe, no--pushed me to believe, that i could lean on you.
that i could finally exhale and open up and run with my honest-to-god
feelings. you told me that you were going show me how it is i deserve to be
treated.

pshaw.

oh man, we had it good, though. for the first time in my life i finally
understood the concept of partner. it was you, right, who fed me chocolate
cake over red wine while huddled together on the footbridge overlooking the
canal that was ablaze for waterfire? and you who liked nothing more that
traipsing around the city hand in hand with no destination? and the fucking
zoo...

i wish we hadn't put things in future tense. we had autumn and the admiral
dewey and block island and a weekend away and the halloween party and the
fantasy house and the cruise and gloucester and fuck i give up.

don't mind me. i'll try not to do this again anytime soon. other people's romantic quandries can be so trifling.

the only good

thing that happened today was that a computer was free when i came to the computer room but if it hadn't been i probably would've punched a wall or at least one of the selfish people sitting behind a monitor so i'm at work feeling a little blue (little bit of that time of the month, little bit of watching a relationship disappear without my sayso which i shouldn't really be writing since he reads this from time to time but not on a daily basis or anything so fuck it) and it's super fucking slow and i make dick in tips and i hang out long enough to drink my free end-of-shift drink and then i head home to be greeted by miles of red lights because of some accident or construction or some shit and then i see smoke coming out from under my hood and i realize that what has happened is that my duct-tape job has finally faltered and i pull over, hazards ablaze, and retape the shit, burning my hands on various aspects of whatever it is they call an engine that sits at the front of a saab and i get it just about good and go in the trunk to get some more coolant only to discover that i'm almost out but hopefully it's enough but it really isn't so i drive 2 miles an hour in those red lights with the heat on high (except to put the heat on high i have to activate the ventilation fuse because if you leave it in all the time the fans are always on high and it's annoying) and pull off at the next exit, only to be greeted at the nearest gas station by the attendant who is out leaning on a hooptie coughing on her last drag of m.j. but she's helpful and whatnot and i pay my fucking 12 bucks for a bottle of coolant and two jugs of water and i go fix the fucking car with some more duct tape, this time making sure to strap that shit clear down to the headlights.

i still drove home with the heat on high just in case. to be greeted by odd condensation forming on the outside of the windows of our apartment. someone set the thermostat at 58 and we didn't realize and so you could hang fuckin' meat in our house right now.

all i'm left with is a feeling that i really need to get to fucking bed and thank god i don't pay the electric bill and i hope the duct tape lasts through tomorrow and i've still got grease on my knuckles and maybe i should just turn my phone off so i won't check it every three seconds to make sure it's getting four bars and i haven't missed something.

pssssst

i wrote this a while ago, somewhere else and in reference to another time. but i'm feeling it again:

i can't play this game. i don't want to.

i know that i might. play. for a bit longer. but it's fast approaching: the time when i finally realize that i might serve as a catalyst,

but i will not end up being the solution.

|||||||

turns out that maybe i was ready to be a solution, and not just a stepping stone for someone to leap out of one thing and onto something better.

eh. i'm learning. that's what this big ol' game is about, right?

(i do feel a bit like a fool, but it happens to the best of us from time to time.)

tonight, at the bar, i stuck around a bit because i wasn't in the mood to rush home. sometimes, it's best to not be left alone with one's self. and just as i was thinking that sticking around the bar was a bad idea, i heard a boom.

and then another boom. the windows lit up and we all ran outside.

turns out that at the softball field a few blocks away was having some sort of event that was being capped off by fireworks.

so we stood on the patio, arms crossed, and stared at the sky. dave asked me which ones i like the best. mike came up from behind me and did that thing where someone pushes the back of your knee in with their foot and you realize that if you had been engaged in hand-to-hand combat, you were standing all wrong. and tommy tunes (the guy who runs monday night karaoke) played the doors because no one wanted to sing.

anyway, the fireworks made me happy and convinced me that the night was worthwhile. and now i'm going to read some more dave sedaris and try to go to bed.

i do sincerely hate it when the bedtime calls subside.

(p.s. to paul: call me, you fucker.)

p.m.s.

ugh. i'm extremely p.m.s-y today. i was crying over a montage of "most touching moments" on regis and kelly this morning. then i got crazy because i hadn't had a decent conversation with mr. boston in a day or so and apparently when i've got p.m.s. that is a big deal and makes me nutso.

i called him up and told him so. i'm pretty sure it went over alright, though who knows what he could actually make out what with all the fighting to hold back tears and making awkward jokes to hide it.

my experience with most men is that if you spend considerable time up front convincing them that you're NOT crazy by being the cool girl for them that they never thought existed (she really sorta doesn't), once you show your emotions those emotions will be used to punish you at a later juncture.

i'm not saying i keep "most" men around, and i'm hoping that i haven't gone and screwed something up by BEING MYSELF. jesus.

this is why i tried my damnedest to stay away from the steady dating scene. i hate feeling like this. i'm not comfortable when my emotions bubble to the surface. ergh. makes me feel like punching something. then crying about it.

fuckin' 28-day cycle, i blame you.

have a great labor day weekend. i will be laboring over half of it. come by the bar and see me. we'll celebrate together. just remember to leave a big tip. mama needs some new car speakers.

(oh yeah, i fixed my radiator hose problem with duct tape last night. it made me laugh. quack quack.)

let go

i keep forgetting that i want to post these lyrics here and say that every so often i hear a song or buy a soundtrack and even if i haven't seen the movie i'm already in love with it (garden state):

Let Go

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

--Frou Frou

rockstar

i was going to write a big focused essay on the state troopers i hung out with in the bar tonight and why it's a good thing to be in good with at least one trooper in rhode island (i kid you not, it's akin to being in good with the mob in new york and maybe boston). but then i popped over to matt's place.

here's the thing. here's what i know as reality at this stage in my life. some of us, for whatever reason, may not have a niche. not in the traditional (read: the way our parents would like us to find happiness) kind of way. this intricate world view could be solely based on necessary rationalization.

but isn't that the way we all live, to one extent or another? convincing ourselves that our way of life (or wanted way of life, or dreams or goals or whathaveyou) is THE way for us?

otherwise, we'd all be suicidal.

or we'd be the in the "ignorance is bliss" crowd. a crowd who i'm fairly jealous of, but would never want to join.

(but what if you didn't know what you know now?)

sometimes, i think it's alright to be a bouncer. thingy thingy thingy... bounce bounce bounce...

we can't all know what it is that might make us happy until our pension kicks in.

i don't even have a pension. or an IRA. or a savings account with anything in it, to be honest.

but i'm happy. HAPPY.

for right now, i'm tired of re-rationalizing myself into guilt over my, perhaps, non-traditional life choices. when i'm 60, 70, 80: i may regret that i didn't have a better future sense about myself when i was 29.

i have a good feeling, though, that even if i'm eating ramen at 90, alone in my government-assisted apartment, i'll still crank up operation ivy (circa 1989) and smile:

"success is obedience to a structured way of life."

confidential to matt: keep on keepin' on, baby. there are some goals in particular that i think you should definitely reinvestigate and reach. but beyond that, just be happy. really fucking happy. even if the sheep and the cattle call you selfish behind your back.

keys

going to pick up the keys to the new place. yee haw.

no time for a real post. again. i wrote one out longhand yesterday, but i forgot to bring it with me.

nancy, i have the same fear as your dream--that this car will turn up missing one day as well. i'd have to say it's near impossible odds for one person to have two cars stolen, but i'm sure it's happened. so far, so good, though.

yesterday i went to check the transmission fluid level when i got to work, and knocked the radiator hose off. thank god i don't live that far from work and the coolant that spurted all over me was only slightly hot as opposed to boiling. that damn car.

i miss cali. i miss the convenience of places like p.f. changs and taco bell and hollywood video. not that there aren't cheesy chains out here as well, but they're not EVERYwhere.

autumn's coming. i can hardly fucking wait.

time to open the bar. i've got red shoes on. and i still miss you.