my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...

semi-successfully installed a comment feature to this blog. finally. though my page now has errors on it. maybe someone (god, is there anyone else who has ever actually been here?) can look at the code and tell me what the fuck...

i'm tired of missing him. why did i let him impact me so? i'm still convinced there's no better match out there, but that's just stupid, isn't it? millions and millions of people out there and i'm so determined to believe that there's no one better than him. i'm dumb--there's probably someone just like him out there, except this someone won't dump all over me.

fuck, why did he dump all over me?

well, it's obvious rth is out of the game. which is the harshest game move of them all. i have countermeasures for all other strategies. there is no move to counteract disappearance. damn. double damn. i really dig him. i really dug the game. mother fucker.

on another mediocre note, i'm not doing well these days. not doing well at all. can't get out of bed in the morning. lonely as sin at night. i knew this was coming, but i didn't prepare very well. turns out the loneliness is crushing. and i'm standing on the thin line that separates my normal smiley self from my dark snippy side. if the line snaps, i will most likely fall into depression. i could still simply fall on either side, but which side that will be is a mystery for now.

i can't stand that we're no longer talking. i can't stand it. i can't remember when you leave for hawaii, and i want to find out how it goes when you get there. i want to know if you've heard any further word on when you're going to ocs. i want to know how you're doing. if you're still feeling beat down, or if things are looking up. i wish you still told me the things you want to do to me.

it's strange, having daily contact with someone and then having it disappear. i wish you would call me, so i could apologize for being so difficult, and i could offer to visit you so we could try another round. i miss you.

but, hell, maybe there's more of you out there, and i'll stumble upon another one... =)

i have to admit, i set myself up for this to go a number of ways. i didn't prepare for this, though. i didn't prepare for you to simply disappear without some kind of emotional goodbye. it's wrenching my guts apart a bit. i just...well, there are a lot of things i want to say here, but i don't want to make an even bigger fool of myself. i just miss you.

i want you. but i don't want this. this distance. this unresponsiveness (due to busy-ness and geography, but my heart doesn't distinguish these differences).

i barely know you and i miss you like i'd miss a limb. i'm falling for you and i'm not in the appropriate state of mind for such things. i hesitate flirting with other men because of you. not because you've indicated a preference for my loyalty, but because i already feel like i'm taken.

i've played this game before. this military game. it's no good for me. i get used to things one way, and then they change. and what i wanted in the beginning becomes something else altogether. and you'll want me to change. and i'll feel caged and will become difficult.

i can't believe i even toyed with the idea of getting involved with another man who's into afghan whigs. i suppose orlando will be the proving ground for my doubts. i'm already feeling a bit let down...we'll see if that reverses anytime soon.