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my new best friend
so i breed thicker skin and let my lustrous coat fill in and i'll never admit that i loved you...
-dcfc
i saw this on someone else's blog. i think it's by ani difranco...
3.31.2003
We took down all the pictures
then we took down all the walls
packed up our expectations
piled em up in the hall
we bagged our future
and kicked it to the curb
then we stood there unencumbered
and we stood there undeterred
cuz we were done clinging
to the things
we were afraid to lose
and the only thing left
was a breathtaking view
adm (<---his initials, by the way)
3.30.2003
i can't believe how great it was to spend those 5 or 6 days with him. i was so nervous about him coming, seeing as i hadn't spent any time with him in about 6 years. and our newfound friendship over this past year has focused on just that--developing a friendship. but that was all via email and phone. to have him here, though... that's something completely different.
because when we were dating, that was the thing that always worked. the physicality, the closeness, the cuddling, the naughty stuff. it must be phermones or something, this pull he always had on me. i could be completely psycho over some wrong he had done, but if we were in a bed together, the anger would completely back-burner itself to make room for the touching.
but i don't want to date him again. at least not anytime in the near future. and i knew that it wouldn't take long for his physical proximity to wear away any defenses i had established. and it didn't.
and i'm not ashamed, either.
it was the best long weekend i've had in years, and it was phenomenal to have someone there looking out for me, paying attention to me, complementing me.
but i'm afraid he might be falling. or re-falling. and i don't want to hurt him. or lead him on. or lean on him too much--which is far too easy since i'm so lonely right now.
it's all worth it, though. five days of heaven is what it was. and we all deserve that every once in a while, even if deep down we know it might never work out again.
adm
3.28.2003
this is a reminder to me to write about last weekend... i don't have the energy right now.
i wish i knew more...
you know, i wonder if this wouldn't just be easier if i built my blog from scratch. not that i have the skills required, but after all this time spent tweaking blogger, it might be worth it.
i like this new template, though. but i can't figure out why the dates are all scrunched over to the right. unless the template itself is screwy, because i certainly didn't muck with that. i gave up on the new template. though i'm quite taken with the design of it... oh well.
now all i've got to do is find some comment feature that i can add in without throwing the whole thing out of whack with my ignorance. wish me luck.
test post... playing with template... don't know what i'm fucking doing...
3.27.2003
goddamn i wish i could get this error off my page.
it'd be nice, too, if archiving would fucking work.
ergh.
3.19.2003
wonder when the active part of war is going to begin. as opposed to the 'collect around the border, hurry up and wait' portion we're engaged in now. maybe i should check some news websites and see what's going down...
picking up adm at the airport in a few hours. 'tis going to be strange. i think i may want to lean on him for some physical affection, but i certainly don't want to fall into some kind of trap with him, or lead him on, or ruin the friendship. but he's a big boy, and i'm a big girl, and if i can't control myself, and he's not willing to stop me, then i can't be totally held responsible for what might happen. oh boy is it going to be an interesting week...
3.16.2003
i can't believe i got chastised for not updating recently. that's so cool.
so i've been checking out some dating websites lately. the lack of a female social circle has driven me to the internet. since, you know, hanging out at bars with two or three men from work is not the easiest way to attract new men. anyway, it's not going too bad. of course, i can't find a decent digital image of myself anywhere--damn my camera-shyness. so my profile features a collage of semi-okay, kind of low-rez pictures that probably leave people wondering whether i dug them out of somebody else's trash can.
but i'm soldiering forth. have tossed a couple emails with a guy up in santa monica. hard to judge from just a few emails, but i'm a big sucker for those with a mastery of the written word, so i'm at least a bit smitten with his writing style. and another guy out east, in desert/cowland, california--we've been instant messaging here and there. he's a smartass. which is good.
but how do people bring the online verbal foreplay into the real world? that seems like a difficult feat to me. i don't know if i'd ever have the guts. we'll see, i suppose.
3.13.2003
oh my god, this is fucking funny:
saddam's blog
thanks to
vague for the tip.
3.12.2003
it's funny what you end up missing about someone.
for instance, i miss hearing you tell me about the knuckleheads in your life. and the word "whatnot" has been creeping into my vocabulary.
i wonder if you visit that blog that i sent you the link to. i wonder if you ever did. i wonder how you are, and what you're doing, and pretend for the first few rings of every phone call that it will be your area code popping up in the caller id window.
and i wonder how it is that you seem to think i did something so inexcusable that you won't even discuss it with me. a big fuck you for that, buddy. not that i'll ever express it in such a direct manner to you. you've got some fucking nerve to put yourself in the victim seat for this one.
but goddamn, to hear you say "whatnot" in that mid-atlantic accent one more time...
oh god do i need to find another job. why must the economy be taking a dumper right when i'm getting miserable with the current state of my own affairs? i'm grateful to have a job, though. don't want to sound ungrateful or anything. i think i need to give it up and work for the government again. benefits can't be beat. and you get every government holiday off, instead of coming to this blasted place on columbus day and listening to dumbasses wonder why the phones aren't ringing...
finding another job would be a bit easier if i had any goals. any career aspirations. i'm pathetic. be pathetic with me. help me decide what to be when i grow up...
please visit my new friend
steve. NOW.
3.11.2003
i fouled that last post up. bad. so bad that i can't edit it. one more try...
go visit my new friend
steve. NOW.
3.10.2003
it's not easy when you discover how forgettable you are
to someone who you can't imagine ever leaving your head.
my knowledge of history is like swiss cheese if swiss cheese was entirely made of holes and consisted of little or no cheese.
---
my response when a friend said, "my knowledge of history is like swiss cheese".
3.07.2003
goddammit. i miss him again. why is it when somebody is super fucking rad, and then a big giant dick, it's the super rad memories that taunt you into holding out hope that things will improve. or make you so blissful in your reminiscence that you forget how hurt you were. i hate the super rad. i am now on a quest for the super bad so that i won't unnecessarily get my hopes up.
i'm such a little girl. after all this, i'm still hoping he calls me this weekend.
3.06.2003
i really need to curb my use of the word 'quite'.
the walls are quite thin here, and i can hear jacque laughing through the ceiling. i hate her laugh. well, i kinda hate her, so it stands to reason. i guess i nothing her. not enough care or energy to muster up hate.
got my first few comments. yay me.
new angel was on last night. i love faith. even if the break-out scene was a bit on the cheesy side. still nice to see faith out in her element again.
saw 'vanilla sky' last night. trippy. a little sad about the perfect wrap-up at the end, though. i mean, i'm glad everything was explained, but after watching movies like 'donnie darko', i little mystery is nice, too.
two more weeks until adm comes to visit. never entertained an ex-boyfriend before. it will probably be strange yet familiar. and i wonder who will throw themselves at whom first. i'm thinking it will be me. i just hope it doesn't confuse things.
3.05.2003
i don't know who
kevynn malone is, but it's his day, so Happy Kevynn Malone Day, everyone!
apparently, it's "post some lyrics" week:
:: The Twilite Kid
be careful, sugar, of who you call a friend
cuz they'll get you in the end
and if, my love, i said i'm sorry
would you believe me?
should i cry?
and the ones who live
are the ones who fly
and the ones who crawl
come crawlin' by and by
on back to you again
but i ain't ever gonna see you again
and i'm never gonna feel you again
so let this moment never end
:: Clyde
so if i, i trip and lay one heavy on ya
please forgive me
you're makin' me want it so
what i feel inside, i can't deny
my love
you know just where i live
i cannot slip you, girl
it's useless, i know
nobody ever touched me before like you did
but you won't do it again, no more
the light upon your face
iz takin me, girl
to another time and place
i want to see you so high, little girl
i can't leave you alone
:: King Only
play me...
save me...
either way i'll be your baby
cuz you don't have to tell me so
for me to know
that you don't love me anymore
(i pulled these off of some kid's webpage, so i don't know if the 'z's for 's's are his or the twilight singers'. liner notes are not currently with me. you know, cuz i'm supposed to be working here and all.)
3.04.2003
god's gift to smallkine hangovers
in-n-out cheeseburger, fries, chocolate milkshake, iced tea.
yum.
3.03.2003
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
dammit. still thinking about him. he doesn't deserve it, but my brain simply refuses to abandon him.
at least orlando taught me this: he may be wicked smart, and funny, and good in bed, and was sweet and complimentary in the beginning, but he's certainly not holding up over time. he's inconsiderate, uncommunicative, and fast to point the "this isn't my fault, you're a psycho chick" finger. unless he chooses to try very hard to change my mind, i'm probably better off feeling hurt right now. recovery will come. hurt now is better than tons of time spent banking on him only to be hurt later.
but those first three nights. and the moment he flipped me over and brought it home. i have to let those memories be. it's time to forget that the ball is in his court. he obviously has.
so i'm in full swing with my blogger obsession. the thing that gets me most is that a lot of the blogs i've been reading seem to be interconnected. i look at these snapshots of these people, and they're always cross-referencing each other... like, how does
que sera sera know
styrofoam kitty? it makes me a bit jealous, to be honest. none of my friends keep a weblog. my weblog hasn't produced any new contacts. shit, can you tell i'm in a bit of a mood today? and it's not just a 'case of the mondays', dammit. don't let my mood discourage you from checking out those blogs. and this one:
the lunatic squirrel.
rth called last night. don't know how to feel about that. he sent an email on saturday clearly stating repeatedly that he wanted to talk over what happened a few weeks ago. that he wanted to know what was going on. but we ended up chit-chatting for 20 minutes or so and never got to the fucking point. as much my fault as his; i'm in the mode where i refuse to be the icebreaker. he wants to talk about it, let his cowardly ass bring it up.
but goddamn was it good to hear his voice. to hear what's going on in his life. there was room in the conversation for some innuendo, and i held back because it didn't feel right. i probably should've just plowed ahead. i do miss him. and i would hop right on a plane if i thought he wanted to give this one more try. but i'm dealing with the fact that he thinks i fucked up, that the 'drama' (his word) was entirely borne of my doing. i'm not comfortable with that. we both fucked up. we both jumped to conclusions. we both didn't have enough information to run with, and ran anyway. a huge misunderstanding (understatement), but simply a misunderstanding.
he told me he had to run, to meet with a study group, then asked, "so what's on your mind?" i laughed and said, "i can't really answer that if you've got to be somewhere soon." he agreed, and said he'd talk to me soon. i'm thinking, if he holds any hope of fixing this, that "soon" should be within the next few days. we'll see...
