why do i do this to myself? all it takes is some eye contact, some attention, some pretty words... and it happens all the time. shit, sometimes all it takes to set me spinning is my faith that someone might say the pretty words sometime in the near future. and now it's him. and he did say the pretty things (though i don't think i'll ever hear them that way again. never again that honest, that promising). and i'm spinning and spinning and i don't want it to stop. he goes to other countries to visit better girls and still i convince myself that this is healthy and right and fun and good for me. he teases me the same way he teases everyone, yet i like to think i'm different somehow. that maybe he does love me. that maybe that is enough. but it was never enough any of the other times i've been taken for a spin. i'm sure it will prove to not be enough now.

i didn't write to him.
he's all i can think about, and i told him i'd write to him, and i didn't write to him.
fear sure does strangle the fuck out of honesty.
wonder what tomorrow is going to be like...
wonder what i'll be like tomorrow...
wonder if he'll even care/notice/say anything about how i didn't write.

probably not.