i really am some kind of fucking moron. where did i possible think this would go? was i actually harboring the notion that this could work out in a way that would lead to anything in the neighborhood of happiness? what in the name of all that is fun and crazy and new and sexy is wrong with me?

he DOES NOT care. he doesn't. he acts like he does. and he used to really look at me. but he doesn't anymore, and even when he did it wasn't for all the caring. he was just fishing for me to raise his self esteem. to make him feel wanted. he wanted me to prove to him he's still desirable, still vital, still current.

and i stupidly assured him of all of that, while falling for him like a fool in the process.

he'll never be what i want. he'll never really see me. he'll always be the selfish friend he is now.

that doesn't necessarily mean that i can stop thinking about him.

wisconsin was much more surreal than one would think a midwest state capable of.

i saw clark and russ and becky. becky's so rad. we really should've stayed roommates longer. but then i'd probably just miss her more now. clark and russ are much the same. happier, being married with combined families and all. they've got it made up there. not my kind of life, but it makes them glow.

i saw him on sunday night. when i called him in the early evening, he was all pissed and distant. turns out he thought i was calling from the airport, getting ready to leave. i don't know why he would have thought i wouldn't call him. and if his fear was that he wasn't going to be able to see me, why didn't he call me?

anyway, it was surreal. gut-wrenchingly so. i can't even remember what he looked like, and it was just a week ago. it's like the whole night was so awash in nostalgia and regrets, reality had no chance of breaking through. this glowing haze of sleep deprivation, anticipation, and alcohol. i want to see him again. i want to see him more. i want to ask him tons of questions about what it was like for him to see me again. but i think i may not be ready for his answers.

my stomach dropped a bit after i talked to that guy at the bus station.

it was a pretty classic moment, really. you looked at him and smiled. then i looked at him and smiled. and then he told me we had the same smile. that we smiled at him in the same way. he asked if we were brother/sister. then if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. when i answered no to both, he replied, "well, either way, you're lucky to have found each other. you look like soulmates."

you didn't hear any of this but knew i was talking to him. turning to me, you told me to stop telling lies. to fess up and tell him i was your wife.

that fight we had earlier in the day was not the type of fight friends have. it just wasn't. i don't know what that means, and i probably shouldn't care. but it's the truth...there's only one kind of pair that argues like that.

if we hadn't had that argument, the wife comment would have been funny. which is, i'm sure, the only way you intended it to sound. but after the fight, and after a stranger calls us soulmates, you better be careful what you joke about.

i miss you already, by the way.

i haven't posted in a while. i've been busy swooning all over my other blog. poor thing. it's got drool and funny stink all over it now.

but i don't think it minds.

off to wisconsin tomorrow night. we'll see what happens on sunday. if i get the nerve/energy up to call him and meet him somewhere. my luck, i'll wait and wait and wait, and by the time i call him, he'll be gone or otherwise engaged. which would probably be for the better anyway.